September 2, 2005-Being fat had it's advantages
Wow, it feels like a long time since I've sat down and written
in my journal, but in reality it's only been about two weeks.
I had a fetal echo yesterday and the cardiologist said the baby's
heart looks "perfect." That felt really nice to hear even
though Marc and I weren't worried. And, she was head down, which
really psyched me out because at the last two ultrasounds she's
I'm convinced that being fat had some advantages when I was pregnant.
Here's my thought process: I am about 40 lb. lighter now than I
was when I was pregnant with my other two kids. Most of the physical
problems I had with those pregnancies I don't remember until the
end. Now, at 26 weeks, I'm having trouble sleeping and my lower
back is killing me.
The back thing could have something to do with the fact that the
baby is now head down, but that's just my novice, non-doctor opinion.
So, now that I've been diagnosed as a diabetic, eating right (for
the most part), exercising and losing weight, my body is in better
shape than it was when I was pregnant with the other two. So I feel
like I'm having more of a "traditional" pregnancy than
I had before. I'm physically tired all the time, moving slow, etc.
It's kind of interesting.
Aside from the back pain and trouble sleeping, my other major issue
is horrible sinus headaches. My doctor prescribed Zyrtec, and I
took samples for a few days so I could see if I liked it or not
before I got the prescription filled. I loved it. But the insurance
wouldn't pay for it. ugh! So, the nurse went round and round with
the insurance company and they finally agreed to pay for it, but
it was still going to be $50! So I went with what they wanted me
to have in the first place, which is generic Claritin of all things.
It's basically worthless. I can't wait for fall to get rid of all
this sinus crap.
Speaking of eating right
I haven't really been doing that
much lately. I think I just kept letting myself splurge here and
there and now my brain thinks it's OK to splurge all the time. I
have my moments, but I'm really letting myself slip a lot. It wouldn't
be as bad if I were still walking consistently, but I'm slacking
in that area, too. It's mostly been this last week. I've got a cold
or something like it and I'm extremely tired all the time. It's
so difficult to force myself to get out of bed at 5:20 when I could
get that almost extra hour of sleep and not feel like crap all day
at work. I read a lot at work, and I just can't concentrate or do
a good job if I'm half asleep all the time.
And then I feel like I'm making excuses for why I'm not exercising
or eating right. I guess, in a way, since I'm aware of my issues
I'm more able to make things right. I guess.
Anyway. The baby is growing just fine and looks great. She's moving
a lot and I can tell the difference between a kick and a roll. We're
almost 100% sure on George's name, too. J
September 6, 2005-Pregnancy is starting
to take it's toll
Man, I just don't know what's going on with me lately. My No. 1
problem right now is this lower back pain that I just can't get
rid of. I thought that maybe exercising would help sort of stretch
things out, but I could barely make it through my walk this morning.
I basically just walked around the block very slowly because my
back hurt so bad. The dog was pulling me along! I guess something
is better than nothing, but I feel sort of like a slacker.
And I'm extremely tired lately. I know that just basically comes
with the territory of running after two kids, trying to write freelance,
working full time, blah, blah, blah. Oh, yeah, and being pregnant!
It's the middle of the day, I'm at work, and what I'd really like
to do is lie down on my desk and take a nap! Maybe I'll try to take
a walk down the street a ways or something to wake myself up. I've
got a heating pad on my back to try to ease the pain and I'm afraid
that's what's making me so tired right now.
I told Marc that all of a sudden this pregnancy feels like it's
going fast. I think it's all the doctor's appointments. And those
are just going to increase here in about two and a half weeks when
I start my weekly ultrasounds and non-stress tests.
My other problem is that I feel like I'm five feet wide. I don't
remember any of these symptoms this early on with the other kids.
I feel like my belly is sticking out so far, even though it's really
not. I feel like I more or less breezed through my other pregnancies
compared to some of the issues I'm having now (diabetes not included).
I remember with Marcus not being able to sleep well toward the end,
but I can't tell you the last time I got a good night's sleep and
I'm 26 weeks! It's weird, but I feel like I can sympathize more
with women who say they go through this all the time. It's like
this is more of a "traditional" pregnancy. Weird.
September 7, 2005-Are you stepping on my
I finally broke down and called the doctor this morning about my
back. I was up a lot last night because my back hurt so bad. I actually
got up around 1:30 and SAT on the couch for about an hour trying
to sleep. I laid down after a while on the couch and didn't toss
and turn so much, but I was still fairly uncomfortable. I laid on
my back a little, too, and that seemed to help, although it was
uncomfortable in a different way because then all that pressure
was on my tummy.
So I talked to an advisor or something because my doctor's nurse
was out today. She said that sometimes they will send you for physical
therapy and sometimes there's just nothing you can do about it.
So I'm supposed to take Tylenol religiously today, I can keep the
heating pad on my back, and if it's not better in the morning I
have to call them.
I'm thinking I may have just overdone things over the weekend because
mom and I took the kids to the zoo on Sunday and we walked around
for about two hours. So maybe my back is just responding to a little
too much movement or something. I would have thought, though, that
being so active already would have worked to my advantage. And it's
possible that's the case. Anyway. So I'll be anxious to see how
the Tylenol works.
I'm extremely tired, too. I had planned to go to bed super early
last night because I was already so tired from being up the night
before. But, of course, I didn't. And then was up half the night,
so I'm doubly tired today. And it's not even like I can take a walk
to wake myself up!
My body just feels so out of whack today with the back pain, the
cold and allergies, the fatigue. And George is moving a lot this
morning, so I feel like I've had the wind knocked out of me or like
I'm going to faint. Actually made my breakfast while sitting on
the kitchen floor this morning.
I'm starting to get nervous about the wedding I'm in next week.
The service is supposed to be at least 30 minutes and I just don't
think I can stand up that long. The bride already said that I can
sit down if I need to, but I'd to be a distraction. Hopefully I'll
feel better by then.
September 8, 2005-The back pain disappeared!
My back problem is gone! It's almost weird to be able to move so
freely-and quickly. I woke up this morning with no pain and have
gone the entire day with not one iota of pain. It's great, but kind
of weird, too. I keep expecting the pain to just sort of pop back
I'm not exactly sure what made it go away. I slept a little differently
yesterday and also spent much of my evening just sitting in a recliner
with my feet propped up. I slept on my back much more than usual
and put the heating pad directly on my back most of the night. Around
midnight I did sit up in bed for a while because my back hurt. It
was at that point I seriously considered going back downstairs to
the recliner, but in reality I knew I would probably get just as
much sleep in that as I would in bed. I'm glad my tummy allowed
me to sleep on my back. Or maybe I was just too tired to notice
It had occurred to me yesterday that maybe part of my problem was
that I was sleeping on my sides. Well, for good reason. I literally
can't sleep on my tummy, and it's usually quite uncomfortable to
sleep on my back. So who knows, but I feel so much better today.
Even my husband said that I sounded like I was in a better mood.
I said "I can move!" It's basically that simple.
I remember thinking yesterday that I just couldn't do this for
another three months, that I had to figure out what the problem
is and fix it or I was going to lose my mind. I brought the heating
pad with me to work today, but haven't needed it. I half-way considered
putting it on my back just for good measure to keep the pain away,
but I haven't. And I'll certainly have it by the bed tonight in
case I need it. But I'm so excited that I'll be able to get up in
the morning and do my exercise! Now it's a matter of finding something
in the house to eat before I walk!
September 9, 2005-Did George go breech
Another back-pain-free morning! I swore to myself yesterday that
if I felt fine this morning I would walk. And did I? Unfortunately,
OK, I know she still has plenty of time to shift, but I'm wondering
if the mystery reason why my back pain is gone is because baby went
breech again. I guess I'd rather have her breech for the next 14
weeks with no back pain and then turn head down right before delivery.
That's a little wishful thinking there, isn't it? ha!
Well, I have my next ultrasound, which, by the way, kicks off my
weekly ultrasounds and non-stress tests, on Sept. 22, which is just
two weeks away. So we'll see then where her little head is.
September 22, 2005-Countdown to the end
I had the first of my weekly ultrasounds and non stress tests today
and George passed with flying colors. We got a 10 out of 10. She
weighs about 3 lb. 3 oz., good amniotic fluid level, right size
for gestational age, and is still head down (Thank God!). Doctor
said everything looked "perfect." That's so nice to hear.
I hope it doesn't change.
The nurse did leave me on the monitor for about an extra 20 min.,
though, because she said baby's heartbeat wasn't fluctuating like
it should. I didn't quite understand this part because her actual
heart rate was fine and she was really dancing around in there.
But whatever, I'm not the doctor. Baby was really moving, but they
did have to stimulate her at the ultrasound and at the beginning
of the NST. She's just not a morning person-like her mama! So I
think I'm going to make sure I drink some cold water or juice or
a snack or something right before the NST from now on. They had
me drink water and eat a snack this morning, so I'll just be more
prepared from now on.
Even though the nurse kept me on the monitor extra long, the doctor
came in and said everything looked perfect. Nurse had said that
maybe since I'm only 29 weeks that the heart rate fluctuation thing
Also started on the Novolog pen today. It will take some getting
used to, but I think overall I'm happy to have my numbers more under
control. I took it for the first time at lunch and even though nothing
leaked out of the injection site, some did leak from the needle.
I asked my educator about it and we're going to play with it. I'm
planning to get some longer needles this weekend; we both think
that will help. I was a pretty good 122 after a lunch of about 60
carbs. I'm sure my ratio will go down (down?) soon; my educator
suspects I might get down to about 8 carbs/unit of Novolog before
all is said and done. I guess only time will tell.
I'm very, very tempted to go out to dinner tonight. Not because
I have new insulin on my side, but because I didn't set anything
out tonight and Marc's got football practice so it's just me and
the kids. We have plenty of leftovers, but I'm not sure I'm in the
mood for that. I've been saying all week that we'll go out on Friday
after I get paid and when we can all eat together, but like I said
I'm pretty tempted to do it tonight instead. Also, I have a baby
shower on Saturday in St. Louis, which is a two hour drive. I'll
probably not eat so good on the way to St. Louis, probably not so
good on the way home from St. Louis and I'm sure the baby shower
goodies won't be diabetic approved. So maybe tonight is a better
night instead of tomorrow. Not to mention the fact that the season
premiere of my favorite show is on-ER. Fortunately, it comes on
after the kids go to bed. Unfortunately, it comes on after my bedtime.
Maybe I'll watch it in bed.
On the head down front: I was nervous in a way that the almost
overnight disappearance of the severe back pain I had a few weeks
ago was because baby had gone back head up, so I was really, really
happy to hear that she was still head down. I'm convinced now that
my back pain was caused by a combination of two things: sleeping
on an ultra, ultra firm mattress one night and then going for a
two-hour walk around the St. Louis Zoo with my mom and the kids
the next day. I think that just did me in.
Speaking of walking, I've significantly reduced the amount that
I'm going. I'm not going nearly even half as far as I had been going
and I'm really taking my time, so I'm only walking about 15 minutes
a day. However, some walking is better than none. I just can't do
it so much anymore. I get several blocks and I'm just about spent.
I'm a little nervous, too, about what the walking will do for my
labor. I guess I feel like I had fairly easy labors with my other
two kids and I wasn't in nearly as good of shape as I'm in now and
wasn't exercising at all. Now, I'm nearly 40 lb. lighter and exercising
at least frequently although sporadically. I know that they say
exercise helps prepare your body more for labor and delivery, but
I guess I'm nervous that it will have the opposite effect for me.
I hope not. I guess I'm just a worrier. My husband would certainly
agree with that!
Speaking of preparing for labor and delivery, I need to start doing
Kegal exercises. I did it every now and again with the other two.
Who knows if it helped or not.
Ugh! I've had the same stupid song stuck in my head for three days!
6 p.m.-Well, I got home from work and Marc was in the middle of
feeding the kids, so that answered my go-out-or-not question. Still,
I looked in the fridge and wasn't happy with my choices. I still
considered taking myself out to dinner. Then, I decided that I wanted
to see how the Novolog would work with a regular dinner, and knew
that we'd for sure go out tomorrow night, so I had a regular dinner.
I was 86 before dinner. I don't know if that's normal or not for
me since I never check before meals. However, considering I had
an apple and a Hershey bar this afternoon (fruit usually makes my
sugar go high) I think 86 is pretty good. So I think the Novolog
is doing its job.
I feel this sense of freedom now. It's kind of nice and kind of
weird. I feel like there's not that much wondering about whether
or not I'm eating too many carbs or whatever. I'm not going to totally
slack off and completely rely on the insulin, but I felt OK drinking
milk with dinner tonight. (Lately, milk has been shooting my BS
pretty high.) I still plan to exercise and eat right, I just feel
like I'll be able to more easily correct any possible highs.
I do have to be a little more conscious of my carb counting, but
I'm pretty good about that anyway. I was really good about it in
the beginning, even before I got pregnant, so I guess like some
people have said I sort of already know how much I can get away
I don't feel like I have a crutch at all with the fast acting insulin.
I just feel like liberated or something. I'm not really sure how
to explain how I feel, but mostly just better. I'm in a good mood
today, I feel great physically. It's a good day. I'm wondering now,
too, if getting my BS back on track will help me not feel so tired
all the time. Maybe I'll get a better walk in tomorrow. Who knows?
Well, I am taking the kids to DQ for ice cream in a few minutes.
I know I know. And I'm not doing it just because of the Novolog,
although I'm sure that will help. I want to be able to take my BS
at one hour at least before I eat the ice cream, just to see. At
least I'm not going to the grocery store and buying a gallon of
ice cream that will stay in the freezer for a week. I know, I'm
justifying this trip to DQ, but leave it to me to justify eating
ice cream! I'm thinking about a hot fudge sundae. Or maybe the brownie
September 26, 2005-I'm nesting!
Man, I can tell I'm starting to get close to the end. I'm a list-maker
anyway, but I'm starting to get all kinds of energy to do things
around the house and I'm making more lists of things I want to do.
And it's not necessarily things I want to get done before George
arrives, it's just stuff I want to do. It's like I'm nesting.
And all of a sudden yesterday when I re-did my erasable calendar
that I have on the fridge and put October up I realized we only
have two months left! I mean, it's one thing to say I'm 10 weeks
from my due date, it's another entirely to look at a calendar and
go October, November, baby.
What's really cool, though, is that Marc and I are both starting
to get really, really excited. I hadn't said anything to him about
my excitement level and the other day he just said "I can't
wait until the baby comes." It made me feel good to hear that,
but also made me feel good to know that we're on the same page.
I was telling someone the other day that with our first child we
were excited all the time and basically on the edges of our seats.
With the second one we were excited, but it was a different kind
of excited. And now with this one, we're excited, but it's like
we've run that marathon before. But I'm starting to feel the same
excitement and anticipation I think I felt with our first child.
And I'm starting to think it has something to do with the fact that
I'm taking Prozac. Seriously. I think my mood and overall demeanor
are so much better right now, not to mention the fact that I really,
really know what I'm getting myself into! (Sort of.)
I've decided to room-in with the baby in the hospital, too. I sent
the other two to the nursery at night, and I just got to thinking
that there's no reason why we shouldn't room in from the get-go.
I mean, sleep is out the window anyway, so what's a couple extra
nights, right? And then maybe that'll help getting to know her a
little more. Does that make sense?
What also got me thinking about how close we are is that Marc and
I started talking about how to arrange our room to fit a baby crib,
rocking chair and dresser. I've got it marked on my October calendar
at work to start working on that stuff this month, but the fact
that we started talking about it and saying we need to move this
here and get the crib from the attic and move that there, etc.,
etc., really kind of put it in perspective. Well, not really, but
I think October is going to fly by. I have something almost every
weekend, plus I have projects that need to be done this month-including
making two Halloween costumes-and I think that before I know it
it will be November and all of a sudden I'll be saying Oh, shit,
it's November and the baby's coming next month!
September 27, 2005-Ready for a challenge
OK, this is going to sound incredibly egotistical, selfish and
a host of other not-so-warm-and-fuzzy-adjectives, but I have to
get this out. I really feel like I am ready to write on a bigger
scale. I really enjoy the stories I'm working on for this little
community newspaper and I enjoy the contacts I've made, but I am
so ready to do this on a bigger scale.
For instance, I'm working on a story now that I'm looking forward
to writing. And I remember thinking out loud that I wish I could
write it for a national magazine. It's a great story and I feel
like I could do it more justice on a bigger scale.
I think in a way, too, I feel like the stories I'm writing are
totally lost in this publication. Well, not all of them, but a great
many; at least the ones that are my favorite to write. When I worked
there full time it was a different paper, really. We covered much
of the same and much different material. I feel like there was a
better mix of stories then. Furthermore, since it pays so little
and since I'm trying to make contacts over my lunch hour, I feel
like I'm rushed and don't always do it the justice I could. I feel
like if I were working for a bigger publication-and getting paid
more-that I would be able to take more time to do these stories
instead of trying to crank out one a week.
Now, writing one story a week really isn't that big of a deal,
but when you're doing it on the side while trying to take care of
a family and be pregnant it's kind of a lot.
See now why it sounds so selfish?
I just, I'm so ready for something more, for something bigger.
For me, yes, it's partially about the paycheck, but it's also about
the recognition. I've always said I think that I'd rather be a big
fish in a small pond, but I'm starting to think that maybe it wouldn't
be so bad to be a small fish in a big pond.
I remember feeling much like this not long after I started my first
full-time reporting job. I couldn't tell if I had outgrown the job
or vice versa. I just remember feeling that I had learned everything
I was going to learn there. I kept sticking it out, though, because
I started feeling that just two months after I took that job and
really thought that maybe I just had an inflated sense of where
I belonged. But my second full-time reporting job I really learned
a lot and grew a lot.
I know that I need to sort of master what I'm doing before I can
move on. I know that God wants me to be the best at what I'm doing
before I try to do it on a bigger scale. However, in a way I'm challenged
and often do better work when there's more at stake. I think. I
just know that I'm tired of working for the little community newspaper.
I enjoy it a lot-A LOT, but I know I'm ready for more. And somehow
I feel like that's enough. I might be fooling myself, but I might
not. I guess I feel like at least I'm trying to get better and to
do more and to be recognized on a bigger scale. Trying pretty damn
hard. I feel like I just need to get my foot in the door at one
magazine and maybe that will help to be able to write more and more
for either that magazine or another. It's such a pain sometimes
to know I can do the bigger stuff but have to concentrate on the
smaller stuff because that's what's paying the bills right now because
I don't have time to wait six weeks to hear back from a magazine
that might or might not like what I have to submit. It's like they're
both priorities, but I don't know how to focus on both of them at
the same time without it running my life. OK, in a way I do want
it to run my life, but it can't since I have obligations to a full-time,
paying job with benefits and a family.
OK, I'm running around in circles now, I just needed to get that
off my chest. Maybe now that I've done that I can see what I've
been feeling and maybe do something about it.
September 30, 2005-Can't get back on the
I woke up with such an overwhelming sense of guilt this morning.
I have been so good about going for my walks the last week or two.
I didn't get to go yesterday because I had a doctor's appointment
early in the morning and I typically walk in the morning. And then
I had McDonald's for dinner followed by a Twix candy bar. Well,
I knew that I would be able to make up for the bad eating because
I would walk this morning.
Well, I was working last night and then got on the phone with my
mom and it was 10:30 before I went upstairs to bed. That's WAY past
my bedtime, by the way. But even though I went to bed late and I
knew I would be tired, I was still determined to get up and walk.
Then Megan woke up at midnight crying. Said her tummy hurt and
she couldn't breathe. We gave her some Tylenol Cold and figured
all was well. I was still thinking I would get up and walk. But
she woke up again and Marc brought her in our room. She's a restless
sleeper, especially when she doesn't feel good. She kept me either
up or in light sleep for way longer than I could really handle.
So my alarm went off this morning and I hit snooze once as usual.
It went off again and I hit snooze again, but fell back to sleep.
When I woke up I still would have had enough time to get up and
go, but I decided I would be better off with sleep than a walk today.
As I'm writing this I'm already thinking about taking a nap.
So I got in the shower later this morning and was just racked with
guilt. I felt so awful about my food choices last night-even though
those fries and that Twix were sooooooo good! And THEN, my back
started hurting. And I realized that maybe I was better off for
that reason for not walking. I might have hurt my back even more.
And my fasting sugar was only 94, which I was incredibly surprised
at, so I started not feeling so bad.
But then I thought I could make up for it by walking home for lunch
(I live about four blocks from work). I got really excited about
that prospect, until I remembered my back. So I think I'm just going
to rest it today. I'm a little discouraged about my walking. I really
want to do it and longer and more often, but my back just won't
let me. I had been going for a very short, modified walk lately
mainly because of my back. But I had started to feel so much better
and was getting through my walk easier that I decided to add a little.
So I added just a block or two for two days and the third day my
back hurt so bad. ugh.
Marc keeps saying, well you are in your third trimester. And I'm
thinking sure, but I was doing the long walk for so long I guess
I just figured I could keep it up through the end. But I keep trying
to tell myself that 15 minutes is better than nothing.
So anyway, I don't feel so guilty anymore. Especially since my
fasting sugar was 94.
TO OCTOBER ENTRIES