Michelle's Journal

OCTOBER

October 6, 2005-I like this fast-acting insulin thing!
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The last few days have really just dragged on. Partly because I don't have much to do at work. I have some freelance stuff I could be working on, but I swore I wouldn't ever bring that in here. I've emailed from work for freelance, but I won't work on a story here. Although, there are times I'd like to. ho hum.

I had my third weekly ultrasound and non-stress test today. Maya scored a 10 out of 10 again! We're doing well. And I'm really pleased with how the Novolog is working. I'm testing after every meal even if I know my number will be high-something I would avoid pre-Novolog. It's still such a tricky thing, though-anticipating what you're going to eat and guesstimating the number of carbs.

I'm thinking that one reason these last couple of days have dragged on is because we've known since Tuesday that my sitter would be induced today. I love being pregnant, but I'm also anxious for the baby to be here. So that's probably weighing on my mind a little. Ok, a lot. I'm dying to know how my sitter is doing. She had some anxiety based on past experiences. Apparently she went 36 hours in labor with no pain meds in addition to some other issues, but I don't remember exactly what.

I'm off to St. Louis on Saturday for a 50-minute pregnancy massage. I'm so looking forward to it. I've been looking forward to it for quite some time. Maybe that's another reason time has been dragging this week! I'm also having lunch with my friend who gave me the massage gift certificate and who is throwing my baby shower. We're going to talk shower food, etc. And then we'll be off to a bookstore so I can grab some Christmas presents for my parents.

Ok, I guess there's a little part of me looking forward to an entire day to myself without having to worry about the kids or bringing them with me.

October 12, 2005-Can't wait for the mood swings to end
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ugh!

yuck!

phooey!

aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!

My mood the last few days has absolutely SUCKED! Yesterday I was just so blah about everything. I had to eat out. I was craving crab rangoon and egg rolls. So I got it. Had to search for it though because the Chinese restaurant I usually go to was closed yesterday. So I was really desperate for it to have gone to the lengths I went to. Which in all actuality wasn't that much because there are only like two Chinese restaurants in town, but still, I went to a buffet and ordered take out.

It literally dawned on me yesterday that I had been accidentally taking my Prozac sporadically. My morning routine is screwy now for some reason, and I haven't been remembering that or my multi-vitamin. (Some days I don't even remember to put lotion on my legs, which has been part of my routine probably since I started shaving.) So I'm putting them in a new place so I'll remember to take it. But, oh my God, it's so obvious to me how badly I need the Prozac. I have felt pretty blah today, too. I mean, like can't put your finger on it, but know something's wrong kind of feeling. I went home at lunch and just layed down on the couch. I wasn't tired and didn't really want to sleep, but I just didn't want to do anything else. Including eat. I think for the first time in my life I was completely uninterested in food. I let myself just rest and watch the boob tube for almost an hour. Then ran some errands and got lunch out. Including a Snicker's and a bag of M&M's. Amazingly, I felt better-OK, only a little better-after eating.

I've noticed lately, too, that I'm nesting. I mean really nesting this time. I have a list of things for myself to do every night this week and I'm really on a roll. I am beside myself with excitement to see this little baby and to hold her and nurse her and to watch my children love her. I don't remember feeling this kind of anxiety with the other two. I'm sure I did, but I just don't remember. I'm so ready for her to be here. I'm not unrealistic, though. I want her to cook a while longer so that she's ready to meet the world before she's actually born. But we have her crib set up and my showers are coming up in two and a half weeks. We're in the home stretch here and I'm totally ready.

(Man, these M&M's taste sooooo good!)

Now that I think about it, I probably did have this feeling with Marcus. That Norman Rockwellian-type vision of the future. Maybe I'm fooling myself. I think I've forgotten how time consuming and energy robbing a newborn can be. I feel like I was in such a different place with Marcus when Megan was born. Almost like he was more of a baby then than Megan is now and there isn't much difference in the timing between Marcus and Megan and between Megan and Maya (Marcus is two years and nine months older than Megan and Megan will be three years and two months older than Maya).

I don't know. Maybe I'm in a rut and I feel like this baby will offer me something new to do.

Ok, and I'm all of a sudden in that place where I feel like I don't know what I want to do with my life. It sucks big time. Every now and then I realize I'm not doing what I want to be doing and I go searching for something else and can't find it. Probably because I don't really know what I'm looking for. I guess I feel like it's one of those I'll know it when I see it kind of things. And part of my search is fueled by the pressure that I literally need to be doing extra work because we're getting so far behind on some of our bills. I have no earthly idea what we're going to do about day care expenses when the time comes. So I have just a little stress on my shoulders. I've always thought that I worked better under some kind of pressure, but I guess in a way financial pressure doesn't count. Go figure. I feel like I want/need to be involved in some kind of writers' group, but I don't really have the time or energy for that. I guess. I don't know. I devote most of my time to taking care of my family and I guess I put myself last. Guess I should stop doing that. ha!

In some ways I'm exactly where I thought I always wanted to be and the thought of leaving this behind is incredibly unappealing; but in other ways I know there's more out there, there's more I'm supposed to be doing. I just feel it deep inside myself that I'm destined for more. I know that I'm on this path to learn something and to push myself, I guess I just feel like sometimes I don't know if I'm pushing hard enough or doing the right thing. And in a way I feel like somehow maybe my priorities are messed up. I mean, I often put my writing on the back burner because there are family and house obligations that I feel come first. There's just SO MUCH that I want to do and I'm so incredibly impatient that I don't really know where to start.

It's strange to me that I'm 30 years old and essentially going through an identity crisis. Well, now that I've said it, maybe 30 is when you're supposed to do this. It's like mini-mid-life crisis. Like a quarter-life crisis. ha!

October 21, 2005-Having contractions already
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I think I'm having contractions. Not like consistent, painful, I'm-in-labor contractions, like sporadic, non-painful contractions. I think it's neat (what a horrible word!) that I'm recognizing this. I can think of at least three times (one of them being last night) when my belly got extremely tight for a good minute or so. I can probably also explain these away as just the baby moving into a funky position or something, but I'm pretty sure they were contractions.

Anyway, just reinforces how close to the end I am. Man, six and a half weeks until I'm induced. The time is just flying by. I feel like I'm more excited and more anxious for this baby to be born than I was the others. Now, I know that's not true because I'm sure I was just desperate for the others to be born, I just have this incredible sense of anxiety for Maya. Not sure why. It's kind of nice.

Ok, I'm a little down on myself lately. I haven't been walking (for exercise) and I can't seem to convince myself to get back on track. I really want to, but can't manage to get out and do it. I feel so guilty for myself and for baby. I know I have to listen to my body and much of why I'm not walking anymore is because it's really not enjoyable right now. Yes, I feel better mentally, but I am not getting the same physical thrill out of it. My tailbone sometimes just all of a sudden starts hurting. It's almost exhausting to walk from my car to the building some days. I know some exercise is better than none, but I'm just not really enjoying the process. ho hum.

October 26, 2005-Diabetes rears another ugly head
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Well, it seems I may have a symptom of diabetes. ha! Apparently I have a little too much amniotic fluid. Not much, though, so that's good. My doc said the upper end of normal is 23 and I measured this morning at 25. He's not worried and neither am I. Just like the guesstimated weight thing, I know that this measurement is based on so many external factors including the tech. I also know that the fluid level can fluctuate.

So I was e-mailing my diabetes educator about this and she said I should be taking my Novolog with snacks that are greater than 15 grams of carbs. However, I'm not entirely convinced that's such a great idea. I'm going to play with it a little bit, but I just don't know that I need that much insulin. We'll see I guess. I'm anxious to see how big the baby measures next week. I'm really hoping that I get a different tech than the girl who measured me last time. I just want someone with a little more experience.

It's getting harder to sleep. Marc asks me all the time how I slept and basically I'm par for the course: wake up when hip hurts, take five minutes to turn over, take forever to fall asleep, nudge Marc because he's snoring, wake up two hours later when hip hurts, take five minutes to turn over…

October 27, 2005-Those darn pregnancy hormones
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I really kind of hate myself right now. ugh. I know that's terrible to say, but I really just don't like me right now. I'm crabby, I'm tired, my body hurts, I'm worried about money, and nobody really seems to know what I'm going through, especially my husband. Ok, I take that back; other women who have been pregnant or who are pregnant know and understand fully what I'm going through, but the one person who I really want to give me a break isn't. Well, that's not entirely true. I don't know. All my pent up anger seems to be directed at him lately and that's the part that especially sucks because it shouldn't be like this.

I decided last night that I've lost my way. I asked myself if there was one thing that I could do for an entire day what would it be and I couldn't answer that question. I really had no idea. I wanted to say that I would sit down and write, but I don't think that's true. I used to be that way. I used to be in awe of writers and I still am because I think deep down that's what I really want to do. But I think I'm so lost in taking care of day to day things and putting my family first that I'm no longer a priority in my life. Isn't that sad? I mean sad that I'm not No. 1 to myself. In a way, though, I guess it's good and honorable that I put my children and family first. I really don't know how to put myself first. I try to on certain occasions and I feel like I get chastised for it. It's rare that I get time to myself and when I do Marc still wants to know why I'm not taking the kids with me. That drives me insane.

And I think the worst part is that I don't know how to get back on track. I feel like if someone (God) would just tell me what to do then I could do it and feel better about myself. And even that's terrible because someone shouldn't have to tell me how to feel better. I just feel so lost. So incredibly lost. I don't know which way to go or where to turn. And I feel like I'm doing the best I can with what I have and it's still not enough. And damnit how am I going to be a good mother to my children when I can't figure out how to be a good person for myself?

OK, this is really weird, but bear with me. I was watching a rerun of Judging Amy the other day and one of the characters is a struggling novelist. He had crumpled a ton of papers on the floor and someone picked one up and read what was on it. When she asked the guy what it was he said it was perfect first lines for a novel. And I thought, I used to do that. I used to write down perfect names of books to write, too. And I was in grade school or junior high. I don't do that stuff anymore. Why? Why? Why? What is wrong with me? I just really don't know who I am anymore. That's the thing. I seriously think I'm having a major identity crisis. Or a nervous breakdown. Or maybe both. ugh.

October 28, 2005-Unexpected very high blood sugar
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Well Maya (or me!) was very successful in scaring the bejesus out of me this morning. I've told Maya that if she gives me a few good kicks first thing in the morning, I'm a happy camper. Well, she did that almost as soon as I got out of bed, but that was about all she did.

So I got to work and it had been about an hour and a half since breakfast. She still wasn't moving so I decided to go ahead and check my sugar so I could have my morning snack hoping the snack would get her moving. So I checked and I was 186!! I was floored. I thought something was wrong with either me or the meter. So I checked again and I was 153. Better, but still way too high. So I checked a THIRD time and I was 166. OK, then I'm completely freaked out because the range was so significant.

So I immediately called my CDE (my bloody alcohol swabs are still all over my desk!). She says I might have hit a crossroads with my insulin needs. But I questioned that because my numbers haven't been trending upward. I've had the same breakfast for like a month and am getting consistent results. Yesterday, I was 102 two hours after breakfast, and then suddenly today I'm at 186? That's just plain wrong.

So, she says to go for a walk (duh, Michelle!) and see if it comes down. I told her that my main concern was that something was wrong with the baby and that was reflected in my blood sugar. So she says definitely take a walk and check again after the walk and we'll take it from there. So I was 100 after the walk. So that was good. Walk made the number come down. But still not very much baby movement.

It's been a couple of hours and she's given me some good kicks, but this must be one of her off days, which I absolutely despise! I'd rather feel lousy and know that baby is OK than feel good and worry incessantly that there's something wrong with baby. I'm going to see what my numbers do after lunch and then I might check in with my doctor's office just to be safe. I guess I'm a bit of a worry wort, but this can be so difficult sometimes when there's no surefire way of knowing if something is wrong. Again, it's my being in control issue. Think I need to learn how to let go of that. hmph.

Speaking of letting go, I did a little inner reflection yesterday and realized quite suddenly that I'm not putting myself first in my life. That I'm not a priority to myself. That I'm too busy taking care of other people that I've forgotten to take care of myself. And that's probably why I feel like I'm a lousy writer or feel like I'm not supposed to be a writer. I've lost sight of who I once was and who I thought I wanted to be. More specifically, who I knew I wanted to be. So I've decided to learn how to put myself first. I should probably share this information with my husband so he knows what's going on. Or maybe not. A little test? I think I'm so used to taking over at home that I'm now being taken for granted. That's gotta stop.

October 31, 2005-Halloween candy sucks
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I've eaten way too much Halloween candy already and we haven't even taken the kids out yet! ugh!

Well, I have a new phenomenon happening the last couple of days. I've been having contractions. I'm 34 weeks and 4 days today. Ok, so they're most likely Braxton Hicks contractions, but still.

Ok, so here's the story. Been having BH at least once or twice a week for two or four weeks. Even had one during my last non-stress test and it was monitored on the machine. No biggie. So yesterday afternoon around 1 or 2 I started having contractions all the time. I lost count, but I figured I had somewhere around 10 within an hour. This lasted all afternoon and evening. It let up when I laid down, but if I was sitting or standing look out.

They're not painful or uncomfortable and I can still function normally through one. They typically last less than a minute and probably even less than 30 seconds. They're sporadic and feel the same. I looked in my What To Expect When You're Expecting book and they listed five signs of false labor and I had three of them. So I wasn't worried, still not worried, but still figured I ought to talk to a doctor to make sure I didn't need to be worried.

So I finally caved in around 8 last night and called the OB on call. She basically said it's nothing to worry about unless they get stronger in intensity, or I have bloody show, or lose my plug or break my water. Also said to rest and keep pushing my fluids and to call if it got worse or continued today.

So this morning I was fine. I felt really tired, but I was fine. I had at least one contraction before lunch and I really didn't think much of it. I was going to call the doctor's office just to let them know what had happened yesterday and then I decided not to since I was doing fine and would see them on Thursday. Then, around 1 or 2 (again!) I had at least two more contractions. So decided to go ahead and call the doc. Talked to the nurse who said basically nothing to worry about, which I figured, but said it was good to call. So I'm glad I called and let them know.

I feel very tired and weak today. But I also have a cold and the time change happened this weekend so that could be why I feel kind of yucky. And it's chilly and rainy today. Rained last Halloween, too.

So I'm anxious to see what my OB and peri say on Thursday when I see them both. Even though it's about a week early, I'm curious if they'll check my cervix. We'll see. They're also going to measure baby's weight again. I'm anxious for that, too, and hope I get one of the more experienced techs this time. The first time they measured her weight she was 3 lb. 3 oz., then four weeks later she was 4 lb. 11 oz., which is a 1 lb. 8 oz. gain; so if she continues and gains about the same, she'd be just over 6 lb. at this point. And if she continues on this track, four weeks from now, she'd be about 8 lb. or less. Of course, that's still two weeks before my due date. Marcus was 7 lb. 13 oz., which is just shy of 8 lb. So, like I said, I'm just anxious for Thursday.

Want to see a discussion Michelle started in the Diabetic Mommy forum regarding Braxton Hicks contractions? Click Here

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