October 6, 2005-I like this fast-acting
The last few days have really just dragged on. Partly because I
don't have much to do at work. I have some freelance stuff I could
be working on, but I swore I wouldn't ever bring that in here. I've
emailed from work for freelance, but I won't work on a story here.
Although, there are times I'd like to. ho hum.
I had my third weekly ultrasound and non-stress test today. Maya
scored a 10 out of 10 again! We're doing well. And I'm really pleased
with how the Novolog is working. I'm testing after every meal even
if I know my number will be high-something I would avoid pre-Novolog.
It's still such a tricky thing, though-anticipating what you're
going to eat and guesstimating the number of carbs.
I'm thinking that one reason these last couple of days have dragged
on is because we've known since Tuesday that my sitter would be
induced today. I love being pregnant, but I'm also anxious for the
baby to be here. So that's probably weighing on my mind a little.
Ok, a lot. I'm dying to know how my sitter is doing. She had some
anxiety based on past experiences. Apparently she went 36 hours
in labor with no pain meds in addition to some other issues, but
I don't remember exactly what.
I'm off to St. Louis on Saturday for a 50-minute pregnancy massage.
I'm so looking forward to it. I've been looking forward to it for
quite some time. Maybe that's another reason time has been dragging
this week! I'm also having lunch with my friend who gave me the
massage gift certificate and who is throwing my baby shower. We're
going to talk shower food, etc. And then we'll be off to a bookstore
so I can grab some Christmas presents for my parents.
Ok, I guess there's a little part of me looking forward to an entire
day to myself without having to worry about the kids or bringing
them with me.
October 12, 2005-Can't wait for the mood
swings to end
My mood the last few days has absolutely SUCKED! Yesterday I was
just so blah about everything. I had to eat out. I was craving crab
rangoon and egg rolls. So I got it. Had to search for it though
because the Chinese restaurant I usually go to was closed yesterday.
So I was really desperate for it to have gone to the lengths I went
to. Which in all actuality wasn't that much because there are only
like two Chinese restaurants in town, but still, I went to a buffet
and ordered take out.
It literally dawned on me yesterday that I had been accidentally
taking my Prozac sporadically. My morning routine is screwy now
for some reason, and I haven't been remembering that or my multi-vitamin.
(Some days I don't even remember to put lotion on my legs, which
has been part of my routine probably since I started shaving.) So
I'm putting them in a new place so I'll remember to take it. But,
oh my God, it's so obvious to me how badly I need the Prozac. I
have felt pretty blah today, too. I mean, like can't put your finger
on it, but know something's wrong kind of feeling. I went home at
lunch and just layed down on the couch. I wasn't tired and didn't
really want to sleep, but I just didn't want to do anything else.
Including eat. I think for the first time in my life I was completely
uninterested in food. I let myself just rest and watch the boob
tube for almost an hour. Then ran some errands and got lunch out.
Including a Snicker's and a bag of M&M's. Amazingly, I felt
better-OK, only a little better-after eating.
I've noticed lately, too, that I'm nesting. I mean really nesting
this time. I have a list of things for myself to do every night
this week and I'm really on a roll. I am beside myself with excitement
to see this little baby and to hold her and nurse her and to watch
my children love her. I don't remember feeling this kind of anxiety
with the other two. I'm sure I did, but I just don't remember. I'm
so ready for her to be here. I'm not unrealistic, though. I want
her to cook a while longer so that she's ready to meet the world
before she's actually born. But we have her crib set up and my showers
are coming up in two and a half weeks. We're in the home stretch
here and I'm totally ready.
(Man, these M&M's taste sooooo good!)
Now that I think about it, I probably did have this feeling with
Marcus. That Norman Rockwellian-type vision of the future. Maybe
I'm fooling myself. I think I've forgotten how time consuming and
energy robbing a newborn can be. I feel like I was in such a different
place with Marcus when Megan was born. Almost like he was more of
a baby then than Megan is now and there isn't much difference in
the timing between Marcus and Megan and between Megan and Maya (Marcus
is two years and nine months older than Megan and Megan will be
three years and two months older than Maya).
I don't know. Maybe I'm in a rut and I feel like this baby will
offer me something new to do.
Ok, and I'm all of a sudden in that place where I feel like I don't
know what I want to do with my life. It sucks big time. Every now
and then I realize I'm not doing what I want to be doing and I go
searching for something else and can't find it. Probably because
I don't really know what I'm looking for. I guess I feel like it's
one of those I'll know it when I see it kind of things. And part
of my search is fueled by the pressure that I literally need to
be doing extra work because we're getting so far behind on some
of our bills. I have no earthly idea what we're going to do about
day care expenses when the time comes. So I have just a little stress
on my shoulders. I've always thought that I worked better under
some kind of pressure, but I guess in a way financial pressure doesn't
count. Go figure. I feel like I want/need to be involved in some
kind of writers' group, but I don't really have the time or energy
for that. I guess. I don't know. I devote most of my time to taking
care of my family and I guess I put myself last. Guess I should
stop doing that. ha!
In some ways I'm exactly where I thought I always wanted to be
and the thought of leaving this behind is incredibly unappealing;
but in other ways I know there's more out there, there's more I'm
supposed to be doing. I just feel it deep inside myself that I'm
destined for more. I know that I'm on this path to learn something
and to push myself, I guess I just feel like sometimes I don't know
if I'm pushing hard enough or doing the right thing. And in a way
I feel like somehow maybe my priorities are messed up. I mean, I
often put my writing on the back burner because there are family
and house obligations that I feel come first. There's just SO MUCH
that I want to do and I'm so incredibly impatient that I don't really
know where to start.
It's strange to me that I'm 30 years old and essentially going
through an identity crisis. Well, now that I've said it, maybe 30
is when you're supposed to do this. It's like mini-mid-life crisis.
Like a quarter-life crisis. ha!
October 21, 2005-Having contractions already
I think I'm having contractions. Not like consistent, painful,
I'm-in-labor contractions, like sporadic, non-painful contractions.
I think it's neat (what a horrible word!) that I'm recognizing this.
I can think of at least three times (one of them being last night)
when my belly got extremely tight for a good minute or so. I can
probably also explain these away as just the baby moving into a
funky position or something, but I'm pretty sure they were contractions.
Anyway, just reinforces how close to the end I am. Man, six and
a half weeks until I'm induced. The time is just flying by. I feel
like I'm more excited and more anxious for this baby to be born
than I was the others. Now, I know that's not true because I'm sure
I was just desperate for the others to be born, I just have this
incredible sense of anxiety for Maya. Not sure why. It's kind of
Ok, I'm a little down on myself lately. I haven't been walking
(for exercise) and I can't seem to convince myself to get back on
track. I really want to, but can't manage to get out and do it.
I feel so guilty for myself and for baby. I know I have to listen
to my body and much of why I'm not walking anymore is because it's
really not enjoyable right now. Yes, I feel better mentally, but
I am not getting the same physical thrill out of it. My tailbone
sometimes just all of a sudden starts hurting. It's almost exhausting
to walk from my car to the building some days. I know some exercise
is better than none, but I'm just not really enjoying the process.
October 26, 2005-Diabetes rears another
Well, it seems I may have a symptom of diabetes. ha! Apparently
I have a little too much amniotic fluid. Not much, though, so that's
good. My doc said the upper end of normal is 23 and I measured this
morning at 25. He's not worried and neither am I. Just like the
guesstimated weight thing, I know that this measurement is based
on so many external factors including the tech. I also know that
the fluid level can fluctuate.
So I was e-mailing my diabetes educator about this and she said
I should be taking my Novolog with snacks that are greater than
15 grams of carbs. However, I'm not entirely convinced that's such
a great idea. I'm going to play with it a little bit, but I just
don't know that I need that much insulin. We'll see I guess. I'm
anxious to see how big the baby measures next week. I'm really hoping
that I get a different tech than the girl who measured me last time.
I just want someone with a little more experience.
It's getting harder to sleep. Marc asks me all the time how I slept
and basically I'm par for the course: wake up when hip hurts, take
five minutes to turn over, take forever to fall asleep, nudge Marc
because he's snoring, wake up two hours later when hip hurts, take
five minutes to turn over
October 27, 2005-Those darn pregnancy hormones
I really kind of hate myself right now. ugh. I know that's terrible
to say, but I really just don't like me right now. I'm crabby, I'm
tired, my body hurts, I'm worried about money, and nobody really
seems to know what I'm going through, especially my husband. Ok,
I take that back; other women who have been pregnant or who are
pregnant know and understand fully what I'm going through, but the
one person who I really want to give me a break isn't. Well, that's
not entirely true. I don't know. All my pent up anger seems to be
directed at him lately and that's the part that especially sucks
because it shouldn't be like this.
I decided last night that I've lost my way. I asked myself if there
was one thing that I could do for an entire day what would it be
and I couldn't answer that question. I really had no idea. I wanted
to say that I would sit down and write, but I don't think that's
true. I used to be that way. I used to be in awe of writers and
I still am because I think deep down that's what I really want to
do. But I think I'm so lost in taking care of day to day things
and putting my family first that I'm no longer a priority in my
life. Isn't that sad? I mean sad that I'm not No. 1 to myself. In
a way, though, I guess it's good and honorable that I put my children
and family first. I really don't know how to put myself first. I
try to on certain occasions and I feel like I get chastised for
it. It's rare that I get time to myself and when I do Marc still
wants to know why I'm not taking the kids with me. That drives me
And I think the worst part is that I don't know how to get back
on track. I feel like if someone (God) would just tell me what to
do then I could do it and feel better about myself. And even that's
terrible because someone shouldn't have to tell me how to feel better.
I just feel so lost. So incredibly lost. I don't know which way
to go or where to turn. And I feel like I'm doing the best I can
with what I have and it's still not enough. And damnit how am I
going to be a good mother to my children when I can't figure out
how to be a good person for myself?
OK, this is really weird, but bear with me. I was watching a rerun
of Judging Amy the other day and one of the characters is a struggling
novelist. He had crumpled a ton of papers on the floor and someone
picked one up and read what was on it. When she asked the guy what
it was he said it was perfect first lines for a novel. And I thought,
I used to do that. I used to write down perfect names of books to
write, too. And I was in grade school or junior high. I don't do
that stuff anymore. Why? Why? Why? What is wrong with me? I just
really don't know who I am anymore. That's the thing. I seriously
think I'm having a major identity crisis. Or a nervous breakdown.
Or maybe both. ugh.
October 28, 2005-Unexpected very high blood
Well Maya (or me!) was very successful in scaring the bejesus out
of me this morning. I've told Maya that if she gives me a few good
kicks first thing in the morning, I'm a happy camper. Well, she
did that almost as soon as I got out of bed, but that was about
all she did.
So I got to work and it had been about an hour and a half since
breakfast. She still wasn't moving so I decided to go ahead and
check my sugar so I could have my morning snack hoping the snack
would get her moving. So I checked and I was 186!! I was floored.
I thought something was wrong with either me or the meter. So I
checked again and I was 153. Better, but still way too high. So
I checked a THIRD time and I was 166. OK, then I'm completely freaked
out because the range was so significant.
So I immediately called my CDE (my bloody alcohol swabs are still
all over my desk!). She says I might have hit a crossroads with
my insulin needs. But I questioned that because my numbers haven't
been trending upward. I've had the same breakfast for like a month
and am getting consistent results. Yesterday, I was 102 two hours
after breakfast, and then suddenly today I'm at 186? That's just
So, she says to go for a walk (duh, Michelle!) and see if it comes
down. I told her that my main concern was that something was wrong
with the baby and that was reflected in my blood sugar. So she says
definitely take a walk and check again after the walk and we'll
take it from there. So I was 100 after the walk. So that was good.
Walk made the number come down. But still not very much baby movement.
It's been a couple of hours and she's given me some good kicks,
but this must be one of her off days, which I absolutely despise!
I'd rather feel lousy and know that baby is OK than feel good and
worry incessantly that there's something wrong with baby. I'm going
to see what my numbers do after lunch and then I might check in
with my doctor's office just to be safe. I guess I'm a bit of a
worry wort, but this can be so difficult sometimes when there's
no surefire way of knowing if something is wrong. Again, it's my
being in control issue. Think I need to learn how to let go of that.
Speaking of letting go, I did a little inner reflection yesterday
and realized quite suddenly that I'm not putting myself first in
my life. That I'm not a priority to myself. That I'm too busy taking
care of other people that I've forgotten to take care of myself.
And that's probably why I feel like I'm a lousy writer or feel like
I'm not supposed to be a writer. I've lost sight of who I once was
and who I thought I wanted to be. More specifically, who I knew
I wanted to be. So I've decided to learn how to put myself first.
I should probably share this information with my husband so he knows
what's going on. Or maybe not. A little test? I think I'm so used
to taking over at home that I'm now being taken for granted. That's
October 31, 2005-Halloween candy sucks
I've eaten way too much Halloween candy already and we haven't
even taken the kids out yet! ugh!
Well, I have a new phenomenon happening the last couple of days.
I've been having contractions. I'm 34 weeks and 4 days today. Ok,
so they're most likely Braxton Hicks contractions, but still.
so here's the story. Been having BH at least once or twice a week
for two or four weeks. Even had one during my last non-stress test
and it was monitored on the machine. No biggie. So yesterday afternoon
around 1 or 2 I started having contractions all the time. I lost
count, but I figured I had somewhere around 10 within an hour. This
lasted all afternoon and evening. It let up when I laid down, but
if I was sitting or standing look out.
They're not painful or uncomfortable and I can still function normally
through one. They typically last less than a minute and probably
even less than 30 seconds. They're sporadic and feel the same. I
looked in my What To Expect When You're Expecting book and they
listed five signs of false labor and I had three of them. So I wasn't
worried, still not worried, but still figured I ought to talk to
a doctor to make sure I didn't need to be worried.
So I finally caved in around 8 last night and called the OB on
call. She basically said it's nothing to worry about unless they
get stronger in intensity, or I have bloody show, or lose my plug
or break my water. Also said to rest and keep pushing my fluids
and to call if it got worse or continued today.
So this morning I was fine. I felt really tired, but I was fine.
I had at least one contraction before lunch and I really didn't
think much of it. I was going to call the doctor's office just to
let them know what had happened yesterday and then I decided not
to since I was doing fine and would see them on Thursday. Then,
around 1 or 2 (again!) I had at least two more contractions. So
decided to go ahead and call the doc. Talked to the nurse who said
basically nothing to worry about, which I figured, but said it was
good to call. So I'm glad I called and let them know.
I feel very tired and weak today. But I also have a cold and the
time change happened this weekend so that could be why I feel kind
of yucky. And it's chilly and rainy today. Rained last Halloween,
So I'm anxious to see what my OB and peri say on Thursday when
I see them both. Even though it's about a week early, I'm curious
if they'll check my cervix. We'll see. They're also going to measure
baby's weight again. I'm anxious for that, too, and hope I get one
of the more experienced techs this time. The first time they measured
her weight she was 3 lb. 3 oz., then four weeks later she was 4
lb. 11 oz., which is a 1 lb. 8 oz. gain; so if she continues and
gains about the same, she'd be just over 6 lb. at this point. And
if she continues on this track, four weeks from now, she'd be about
8 lb. or less. Of course, that's still two weeks before my due date.
Marcus was 7 lb. 13 oz., which is just shy of 8 lb. So, like I said,
I'm just anxious for Thursday.
Want to see a discussion Michelle started in the Diabetic Mommy
forum regarding Braxton Hicks contractions? Click
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