May 1, 2005 - I Still Feel Lousy - May the Doctor Appointments
Ok, I feel downright yucky. Not like I'm gonna lose my lunch or
anything, but now I know why I stopped eating so poorly. I had a
whole chicken in the oven tonight for almost two hours and the darn
thing just wouldn't cook. Ugh! Ok, our oven is from the Bewitched
era (literally, our stove is the same one from that TV show!) So
it doesn't cook great, but still after two hours that little chicken
should have been done. Well, I have a 5-year-old and a 2- ½-year-old
and it was way past when they normally eat dinner. Bless their hearts,
they were being great for being hungry. So we went on to Plan B.
I started making microwave mac and cheese for the kids while hubby
and I were just gonna fend for ourselves. Then, he said tater
tots. Aaaaahhhhh! Ok, I said. You don't have to twist my arm too
Well, the other day when I had finally given in to my tater tot
craving they were just about the best thing I had ever eaten. Today,
it was just salty, deep-fried fast food. Nothing spectacular. And
now, I feel tired and heavy. Yuck. And I remember how I used to
feel this way all the time since we ate like this several times
a week. Granted, I'll still want tater tots again tomorrow because
just about everything in the fridge will seem like it tastes like
s**t. But, I'll have this feeling and I'll try to draw from it.
And I'll remember how guilty I felt before eating
my way to the restaurant. I kept thinking about what I'm doing to
this life inside me. Guilt is good for me sometimes. Maybe not-I
still ate it.
On another note, my educator had me lower my insulin intake on
Friday even though she doesn't like to make changes on Fridays.
My fasting numbers have been within range. Of course, I haven't
eaten so well this weekend, so I haven't been testing and therefore
we might not have such an accurate reading of how well the insulin
drop is effecting me. But I think the fasting numbers are a pretty
good gauge. Not to mention that I haven't felt like I'm going to
explode in the past two days. I just remember thinking that I just
can't go through this until November. I just can't feel this lousy
for that long. I've had to think a whole lot more during the few
short weeks of this pregnancy than I did throughout the entire other
two pregnancies. Which is fine. Thinking is good.
I have three-count 'em, 3!-doctor's appointments on Tuesday. I
see the hematologist in the morning to talk about my leg. The swelling
is practically gone, which is amazing. I was worried that I wouldn't
be able to drive the two hours to St. Louis to meet my family so
we can drive to Tulsa in the RV on Friday to see my youngest brother's
college graduation, but the leg is recovering nicely. Next, I'll
see the perinatologist, who I will have a few choice words for,
hopefully. (I hope I don't chicken out.) I'm curious to see what
he'll say about the blood clot. If anything. I'm now about sevenish
weeks along, so we should finally be able to determine a due date
via ultrasound. Right now, they have me due Nov. 26, but since my
cycle is 45 days long, I'm most likely due the first or second week
of December. HOWEVER, I suspect I will be induced and so I might
actually deliver at the end of November anyway. Time will tell.
I also see my GYN.
I have my laundry list of questions ready for my GYN. When I was
pregnant with my first child, my doctor had sort of expected my
list of questions. She half-teased me about it too. Good thing I
have a decent sense of humor. But four weeks is a long time between
doctor's appointments to remember all those questions. Not to mention
that I love to make lists! I'd make honey-do lists for my husband
all the time if he wouldn't ignore them! The questions are different
this time, though: Will I have to be separated from the baby? What
is your normal procedure for diabetic deliveries? What's the chance
of a c-section?
Although this is my third child, so much is so new that in a way
it's almost like the first time, which is kind of cool, actually.
But still scary. Because in a way I just kind of want to cruise
control through this - especially with my eating. I hate that I'm
feeling discouraged already and that I've not been as diligent as
I should be about my testing. I think it's a phase and that it will
pass, but it scares me that I'm still in my first trimester and
already wanting to abandon the things that are best for me and George.
May 4, 2005 - I Have a Due Date/Induction Date and a Little
I officially, finally, have a due date! December 8, 2005. So excited!
Today, I am eight weeks and six days pregnant, according to the
ultrasound yesterday. It's nice to have such concrete information
instead of just "around" eight weeks.
In a marathon of appointments, I saw three doctors yesterday. I
followed up with the hematologist about my blood clot. He measured
both of my calves and my left is 3 cm bigger in diameter than my
right. The swelling has gone down, but not much. At least I'm not
in pain anymore and can walk and take the stairs without being uncomfortable.
I zipped across the street this morning and thought about how I
couldn't have moved that fast last week. So things are looking up
in that respect.
I spoke at length with my perinatologist, who was responsible for
prescribing the blood thinners. He said he sees hundreds of patients
with my history and uses the same treatment. He said that if I came
to him tomorrow he wouldn't have changed his approach, and that
even if he had seen my previous records he doesn't think that would
have changed his treatment plan. He apologized several times for
what happened. He spent more time with me this visit than any other.
I am still jaded by the whole experience, but feel a little more
comfortable knowing how seriously he's paying attention to me. Both
my perinatologist and my GYN have said that I apparently have some
clotting disorder that we don't know about and don't know what to
test for. So we'll be keeping a closer eye on me from now on.
Back to babyness: I will definitely be induced, which will at the
latest be on or around December 1 (My dad's birthday!), which is
39 weeks. It's been a long haul so far for such a short period of
time. December 1 would be great since it's Dad's birthday. I think
I'd rather do that than have a Thanksgiving baby. I don't know,
I'm weird about holidays. I guess, in the long run, it really doesn't
matter as long as we have a healthy, happy baby.
I'm worried about my sugars again today. I splurged a little yesterday;
had a yummy salad with high fat dressing (ranch!) for lunch and
some ice cream (but no cone) for an afternoon snack. I felt lousy
last night. I was asleep at 8 p.m.! My husband had to wake me up
at 10 so I could get my shots and check my sugars. I was 115 at
10 p.m., which seemed a little high for me at night, especially
since I had been good at dinnertime. I really should have checked
after dinner. Live and learn, right?
This morning, my fasting sugar was 75, and two hours after breakfast
I was only 84. I really expected to be much higher than that. I
had the same breakfast yesterday and went from the 80s at fasting
to the 160s two hours post-meal. I had slightly less breakfast this
morning, but not that much less. And now, I'm getting that
sick feeling I had last week when I thought I was gonna explode.
So I'll head home in a second and eat lunch - a sensible one.
I want to talk to my educator, though, because these wild fluctuations
bother me. Since I'm so new to diabetes, I just don't know what
affect I'm having on the baby. That's what drives me the most wild
- just not knowing if the baby's OK.
I'll have another ultrasound in five weeks (a nice perk, if you
want to call it that, of being diabetic is that you get ultrasounds
pretty frequently) and I'll be almost 13 weeks, so we might be able
to make out some more body parts at that point. At least I hope
so. Maybe then I'll have a little more peace of mind.
I remember one of my first visits to my educator when I told her
that I was just terrified that all I'm doing is screwing the baby
up with every bite I take. She assured me that I'm doing fine, and
that helped. But it's getting so much harder to be good with my
eating. I just want to eat all the bad stuff. I'm dying for a Blizzard
or a quart of Baskin Robbins ice cream. I hate that I can't eat
with wild abandon anymore. Sometimes I find my subconscious saying,
"I don't care." And then I have to pinch myself and remind
myself that I do care. It's hard to do this.
Fortunately, I have a good support system of people who are going
to keep me on my toes. My educator, for one, looks at all of my
food records and BS numbers and she points out everything, everything
that is elevated. Nothing gets past her and I think that's great.
I need the strict authority figure in my life.
It's mid-afternoon now and my educator just called. She had me
ask the peri some questions about testing times since there are
apparently some new guidelines. We talked for a bit and she said
she wants to put me on a monitor for about three days that will
take my blood sugar every few minutes and will download about 280
BS numbers a day to a computer so she can better analyze me. She
said it's basically just a learning tool. But it might be really
helpful to see more of what's going on since I am having some pretty
unexplained fluctuations. I mean, I know that pregnancy will do
that anyway, but sometimes there's no rhyme or reason to it. So
we'll do that in the next couple of weeks.
I also asked her to more or less ease my fears that every last
bite of bad food I had was damaging the baby. She said that baby
problems are most likely to occur when sugars are consistently over
200. And I basically said so if I have an occasional ice cream
I'm not hurting George. I know she couldn't really give me license
to just eat whatever and whenever, but I could read between the
lines. Even though she hesitated, she said that basically it's OK
to splurge-and be sure to follow the bad eating with a walk! I feel
so much better now knowing that if I go to Pizza Hut tonight for
dinner that I'm not definitely harming this baby. What relief.
May 11, 2005 - Learning Curve
This eating thing is killing me. No matter what or how much I ate
yesterday I felt like I hadn't eaten in days. I was famished and
was quickly withering away to nothing. I ate several handfuls of
sugar cereal before dinner (bad bad!) and then ate too much dinner.
So much dinner that I felt heavy and bloated. Probably could have
thrown up if I tried. But I was just so hungry! Marc and I were
planning to rendezvous in the bedroom last night and I couldn't
even do that! But, I didn't wake up hungry this morning.
I don't know. In a way I feel like I'm still not in control of
this disease. Sometimes I feel like it's controlling me. Ok, all
the time I feel like it's controlling me. I just hate that I'm getting
this frustrated this early on in the game. It drives me insane that
I think about food and blood sugar more than George. I'm just so
anal-retentive and controlling that I need to have control
of this. I hate eating the same thing every morning and getting
different BS results day after day. I know that's just part of it,
but part of me keeps thinking about what's it's really worth. Not
the taking care of myself so that George is healthy, I mean the
monitoring the blood sugar. I know, I know
what it's really
all about, but sometimes I just don't test because, well, I don't
really know why, but I just don't do it. In a way I just feel like
I'm eating what I'm supposed to for the most part and I feel like
that should be sufficient. Now, reality is screaming at me from
the back of my head saying "You idiot!" I know I have
to monitor to make sure my body isn't playing tricks on me.
On to other things.
I'm in a wedding in September. I have been friends with this girl
since we went to (mandatory) sixth grade camp together. There were
three elementary schools in our district and at the end of sixth
grade all the students went to camp together for a week to basically
just meet each other before we were all crammed into the same middle
school for the next two years. Anyway, we were very close friends
for a very long time. I smoked my first cigarette with her (a Marlboro
red and I'm not sure I inhaled), got caught sneaking out of her
house, created secret codes so we could talk about boys and other
people without anyone but us knowing what the heck we were talking
about, and played endless games of what amounted to dots. I still
want to get out a piece of graph paper and hand her a blue marker
and start a game!
Anyway, we lost touch sometime after I got married (we celebrate
our seventh anniversary on Monday!). Now, how we got back together
is the strangest story. I had gone to my grandmother's 90th birthday
party last summer and seen a side of my family I hadn't seen in
probably 15 years. I "met" cousins and reconnected with
old family. Anyway, several months ago I got an email from one of
my cousins who happened to be the significant other of the brother
of a guy who was in my high school class. (Could you follow that??)
Her boyfriend (it's so hard to say that since they have a child
together) had been taking music lessons from a high school pal for
a number of years. My cousin sort of out of the blue went along
one day and found herself talking to the guy's girlfriend. Well,
that turned out to be my friend from camp. We emailed each other
and it wasn't long after that that she asked me to be in her wedding.
It's almost like no time has passed. It's really neat.
Anyway, the point of that story is that I finally went down to
the dress shop yesterday and tried on the bridesmaid dress. We ordered
the dresses before I found out that I'm pregnant. I had already
put a deposit down and I was freaking out that I'd have to wear
a different dress from the other girls and forfeit my deposit and
blah, blah, blah. Well, I have lost about 20 lb. since they measured
me for this dress. So No. 1, it's too big already! What a relief!
And No. 2 they said there's three seams that can easily be let out.
It's sort of an empire waist, but I was worried that there wouldn't
be enough room for my belly. They think I'll be fine. I certainly
hope so because they said they only need three weeks prior to the
wedding for the alterations. So I'm planning to wait a while-aka
until my belly starts to grow!-before I start thinking about alterations.
So, it turns out I have neuropathy. This is a self-diagnosis, of
course. Some diabetic-related thing that I had no idea existed until
diabetes. My pinky finger on my left hand gets numb every now and
then like it's just waking up. Then, all of a sudden it'll get warm
like I can feel all the blood rushing to it. It's kind of a pain
because all I want to do is shake it and pinch it to get the feeling
back, but nothing works except time. It started in the hospital
when I had the blood clot. And actually runs up to my elbow. I thought
it was blood clot-related, but apparently not. The other day I carried
a heavy trash bag and a different finger on that hand got very tingly.
It was weird.
I keep thinking about a friend from work whose hands got numb toward
the end of her pregnancy, but that was more like carpal tunnel than
this. At least this comes and goes. I'll just have to keep track
of it and say something to my educator and GYN at my next visit.
We have a friend who's a nurse and she basically said there's nothing
I can do about it. Terrific.
More unsettling news: Two days ago I was in a fender bender. Someone
rear-ended me as I sat at a yield sign. Nobody was hurt, thank God.
I think the kid was shook up pretty good, though. I didn't tell
him that I'm pregnant. But we called the police and I told them.
I just didn't want to freak him out more than need be. He kept saying
that I was being so nice about this and I just kept thinking that
s**t happens. Nobody was hurt and that was the main thing. Cars
and be replaced and fixed. Not people. I called the doctor yesterday
to tell them and they said basically what I thought they would:
As long as you're not cramping or bleeding you're basically fine.
So now I'm anxiously awaiting my next appointments. Four more weeks
until I can see George on the ultrasound again. I keep thinking
that I'm feeling him move, but I'm only 10 weeks and I really don't
think that's what I'm feeling. It's nice to think that, though.
Sort of dream, I guess. I felt baby movements with the second one
much earlier than the first. I was about 18 weekswith my son when
I felt him move. It was much, much earlier than that with my daughter.
Maybe I am feeling George, but I seriously doubt it.
May 12, 2005 - Finally Showing?
I think George is growing! My lower abdomen was so tight yesterday
and my belly was quite itchy. Not so much today, but I feel like
a little progress is being made. Still, at 10 weeks, he can't be
that big. But it is my third pregnancy.
So I finally weaned myself off my anti-depressants. Something my
GYN and I had discussed trying at least before my third trimester
so as to avoid any withdrawal symptoms for George. Last night, the
kids were just being kids, and after not laughing at all their cute
stuff and generally getting annoyed with everything they did I started
to wonder how badly I need the Prozac. Today, though, I feel much
better. I think I'll just watch it and see how I do. It's scary,
though, to try to more or less deal with this on my own. I plan
to start taking the Prozac immediately after George is born, though.
With two past bouts of postpartum depression, I know it's gonna
happen this time, too, and I'm not planning to wait it out and see
if it comes.
Brooke Shields was on the radio this morning talking about her
book. I'm so glad she's literally all over the place talking about
this. I felt like I knew exactly what she was talking about, like
she was describing what happened to me with my first run in with
PPD. I just can't tell you how excited this makes me that someone
famous is talking about this.
This brings up another point, though
seems like everyone and
their dog is writing a book and all I can think of is why I haven't
done it yet. These people make it seem so simple. Or, maybe I'm
just projecting that on to them. I know I try too hard and that
I'm my own worst critic, but geez, I know I'm capable of it. It's
obvious that I have plenty to say.
May 13, 2005 (Friday!) - Not Sure About These Numbers
Oh-My-God! It's approximately three hours after I had lunch-1/2
a Sonic cheeseburger and my beloved tater tots-and my BS is 125.
granted it is three hours after I ate, but I was still
expecting to be pretty high. I'm sure I was higher an hour ago,
but not nearly as high as I thought. I really, honestly, thought
I would be in the upper 100's if not over 200.
Now, I know there's something wrong with me today. Not quite sure
what it is, but I've felt lousy pretty much all day. Frankly, I
started feeling crappy last night. I was 81 fasting this morning,
which, by the way, is a little higher than usual and has been that
way for the past two days. Usually I'm in the 70s fasting and if
I get in the 80s it's only for a day. Anyway, I had a ½ peanut
butter sandwich for breakfast on Earth Grains extra fiber bread
with a glass of milk and I was only 88 two and a half hours later.
(Hubby had a flat tire this morning, so my normal schedule was a
little delayed. But at least I got to lie on the couch for almost
an hour!) When I don't go up too much after eating and I'm feeling
the way I do, it's a blood sugar issue and/or insulin issue. I'll
see how I do over the weekend and maybe mention something to my
educator on Monday if this keeps up.
May 16, 2005 - (Our Seventh Anniversary!) Walking Does a Body
I started walking again over the weekend. It wasn't so hard to
do on Saturday morning, but Sunday was another story. I don't know
what it was, but I felt lousy for the entire walk. I came home and
basically flopped on the couch and stayed there for about the next
two hours. Took a nap and even forgot my blood thinner shot that
morning. Frankly, I think I could have done without the walk. In
fact, I did this morning. I just didn't get up. I just don't have
the motivation for it like I used to. What used to take me about
25 to 30 minutes took nearly 45 this weekend. I just can't force
myself to walk any faster. The dog is even pulling on the leash!
I told the kids that we'd go for a walk tonight after dinner. I
really hope I can stick to that promise. I know it's good for me,
good for the baby, good for the (blood clot) leg, good for the diabetes,
but I'm just not motivated anymore. And that drives me insane because
I used to feel so good after a walk. Even in the beginning, I just
felt so revived and awake after the walk. And I know it's only been
two days, but I just feel like I'm forcing myself to do it. Well,
I am forcing myself to do it.
Maybe part of the problem this weekend was that I think my belly
is growing. I think if I hadn't just lost 30 lb. that my clothes
would be starting to get tight. It's kind of cool because it seems
like there's this little pouch right below my belly button. I can't
wait to really start showing and to feel George moving. That's the
part of pregnancy that I like.
This pregnancy is so much different than my other two. Namely,
this is the first one with diabetes. It's so hard to figure out
why I feel the way I do when I do. With my first two at least I
sort of had patterns-every night before bed feel sick, get too hungry
feel sick-but this time there seems to be no rhyme or reason to
how I feel. Today, for instance, my sugars seemed to be too low
after breakfast. Usually that is part of why I feel yucky. Well,
today I feel fine. It's just so strange. My educator and my peri
plan to put me on a continuous glucose monitor this week for three
days. I'm anxious to see what kind of results that yields. This
is so much more frustrating I think because I'm new to diabetes.
I didn't really have that figured out before I found out that I'm
I've been allowing myself to slip a lot more lately and not feel
so guilty about it. I guess I've seen the limits my body can take
and I'm more or less taking advantage of it. But on the other hand,
I'm not completely obsessing over my food choices and intake anymore.
If I want a piece of candy or something not so good for me, I allow
myself to have it. I have found that the more I restrict myself
from having something, the worse I want it and the worse I cheat
when I finally give in.
Over the weekend, we went to a backyard party for the kids' daycare
provider. It was catered, and everyone brought a dessert. I knew
I was going to eat whatever was served and was going to allow myself
to eat as much dessert as I wanted without feeling horrible about
it. I had a piece of the cake I made (not too impressed with it)
and then went back for a chocolate cheesecake with turtle topping.
Yum!! I surprised myself by only eating half the piece of cheesecake
(I'd like the other half right now, though!). It's just so strange
how my eating habits have changed since diabetes. I think before
diabetes I would have scarfed that cheesecake down even if my brain
and my tummy were saying stop. Saturday, I just didn't want anymore
and didn't feel like I had to eat it. Of course, I went back
to the dessert table later for a Rice Krispy treat, but that's neither
here nor there! It's almost like my body is telling me when I'm
going to have sugar overload. And it occurred to me last night that
the reason I felt so lousy on Sunday morning was because I did
have too much sugar and carbs on Saturday night. It's just such
a learning process. I can't really dumb this down for myself; it's
not a wash-n-go kind of thing.
On another note: My brain just seems to be so mushy lately. I know
there's pregnant brain. Heck, I've had pregnant brain, but
this pregnancy it seems so much worse. I can't think straight, can't
motivate myself to do things, forget when I have laundry started,
can hardly talk straight. One day over the weekend I tried to tell
my daughter to get something to wear and I went back and
forth between eat and drink before I finally said
wear! We all had a good laugh over that one.
May 17, 2005 - Patience is Not a Virtue
I'm so frustrated today and it's not for the reason you think.
I'm just so impatient! I'm 10 weeks and 5 days pregnant and I know
that I can't feel the baby yet because I'm not far along enough,
but I want to! I'm tired of feeling pregnant and not getting
any of the baby rewards-the kicking, the hiccups, the gymnastics.
I know I just need to be patient, but that's not in my nature. And,
unfortunately, I've passed it on to my children. Haha!
I'm pissy today and I can't figure out why. Came home and started
talking to hubby about random things and just got hormonal, I guess.
It's like when you're 40 weeks pregnant and two days from your due
date and your sister just had her baby and you know it's
gonna be any day now but why not today? Just so frustrated at the
world and I don't know why. And that makes me even more frustrated.
And to top it off, I'm trying to work on some writing projects and
I just know that my pissy mood will hinder my writing ability. Doesn't
that just suck? That I depend so much on a good mood to have good
So now I'm frustrated at myself for needing to be in a good mood
in order to write well. Why shouldn't I just channel all that negative
energy into my writing? Well, my brain doesn't work like that for
some strange reason. I know it's the hormones, but it's just frustrating
to deal with. I'd really love a hot fudge sundae to deal with all
this. I have some of Blue Bunny's carb freedom ice cream, but the
only good part of that really was the little chocolate/peanut butter
bunnies and the ribbon of fudge running through it. The peanut butter
ice cream left something to be desired. Ok, it left a lot to be
desired. Frankly, it tasted "diet." I have to go past
a Baskin Robbins tomorrow. I think I'll get some of my favorite
peanut butter and chocolate. I can taste
it already. Maybe even a whole quart and eat the whole damn thing
in one sitting. Yeah, right. I'll get too guilty before that happens.
Interestingly, last weekend when Wendy's was giving away free Frosties,
I did not, I repeat, I did not get one even though I was
right next door to a Wendy's. I knew I was going to be at a party
later that night where there would be oodles of sinful desserts
and tons of high-carb foods. So I saved myself for the party. And,
it was 10 a.m. I still could have convinced myself to eat chocolate
ice cream that early in the morning, though. Would have been a nice
mid-morning snack. Ha.
Ok, it's been an hour and I have some writing under my belt. Ready
to start the big project that will actually pay me.
Just looked at my notes and need more info. Ugh! I wasn't ready
to write it anyway. Guess I'll go eat some ice cream. Ha!
May 18, 2005 - Pen Pals
A good friend of mine from college and I have been exchanging actual,
hand-written letters recently. Yes, you read right-hand-written
on paper. It all started when she was proctoring an exam at the
school where she worked and didn't have anything to do. She wrote
me a several-pages-long letter, and instead of shooting her an email
when I got it that said "thanks for the letter, here's what's
going on in my life" I sat down and wrote her one of my own.
We honestly don't exchange emails much anymore unless we need to
get in touch with each other quickly. We learn more about what's
going on in each other's lives because we have an actual piece of
paper to hang on to.
I used to send these letters to out of town friends when I was
in high school. They got dubbed as novels because I would send lengthy
letters-usually written in several different colors of marker-every
week or two. It was almost like a journal for me.
In the last letter I got from my friend, which arrived yesterday,
she finished up by saying: "I like this letter thing."
It seems strange that in just a few short years, letter writing
became a nostalgic pastime.
I'm anxious to start my next letter to her. I've even picked out
a new pen to use. Ok, that sounds kooky, but I'm a stationery/pen/font
freak. Always have been. Everyone has their little obsessions, right?
May 19, 2005 - Worried I'm Not Worried About Birth Defects
I don't know what's wrong with me today. I had my normal soup for
lunch-I think I'm going to turn into a can of Campbell's Chunky-and
some Cheez Its. Ok, I had some mini M&M's too, but I did the
same thing yesterday and BS was fine. Today, however, I was 178
after lunch! Ugh! I haven't been that high since I don't know when.
I knew I wasn't going to want to cook a regular dinner tonight.
Chicken or spaghetti just wasn't gonna cut it for me. But I didn't
want to eat out. Well, I did, but not with BS already at 178. We
did anyway, but I made Marc promise to force me to get up in the
morning to walk. Even though it's hot, I decided to walk tonight
after the kids go to bed and the sun has gone down. That will be
better than tomorrow morning. And I won't feel as guilty about the
Big Mac or the M&M's.
When I was pregnant with Megan, I was a permanent substitute teacher
in the special services room at one of the elementary schools here.
My mom has worked with these kinds of children her entire career.
So it wasn't that much of a stretch for me to be in the classroom
with them. However, I was convinced that God was preparing me for
having a child with mental and/or physical disabilities. I obsessed
over this. I was so worried for so long that Megan would be one
of those children I was in the classroom with.
And it absolutely terrified me. I saw what their lives were like.
I saw how empty life could be. Sure, they didn't know any different,
but I did. I didn't want to be the parent of a child like that.
I know it's selfish, I know it is. And I know that we would adapt
and learn to live differently. And I know that God only gives us
what we can handle. But I was terrified.
Now, however, with so many more risk factors for having a child
with a birth defect, I'm not as worried. And that scares
and worries me that I'm not more worried. Geez! I can't give myself
a break, can I? I just keep thinking that maybe God was indeed
preparing me for life with a child who's not like my other two children.
I'm scared. Maybe so scared that I think I'm not scared.
And my eating just isn't what it used to be. I'm pretty good most
of the time, but I've found myself straying a lot more. I felt so
horrible going to get dinner tonight and kept running through the
conversation I had with my educator about how and when problems
occur. That there's about a 3% to 5% chance of birth defects unless
your BS is consistently over 200. Consistently over 200. I just
kept repeating that. Just kept thinking about that. Consistently
I'll just have to wait and see the ultrasounds and be patient.
And eat better from now on. And, geez, I've got to start
Marc and I were talking the other night and he said something to
the effect about not being excited about this baby. It devastated
me to think that my worst fears were coming true. I just caved inward.
But we talked about it some more and he could see how horrible I
felt and explained a little more. What it came down to is that neither
of us have that giddy first baby feeling we had when I was pregnant
with Marcus. It was actually a little refreshing to hear him say
that. I know the bond is different for men than for women. We get
to feel the little guys move and have this almost instant connection
with the baby before it's born. For guys, it's hard to have that
same bond or any bond for that matter until the baby's born. It
was nice, in a way, to know that I wasn't the only one who didn't
feel as excited as I thought I should. It was also nice to know,
to have it reiterated, that he is excited, just not the same way
as six years ago.
I've got to stay awake. That dinner made me so tired and heavy.
Ugh! Not only do I need to walk tonight, but the season finale of
ER is on. Got to watch that. And it's been a while since
we've had a wink, wink, nudge, nudge evening. Been anticipating
this all day. I just have a busy evening and can't afford to go
to sleep! Hahahahaha!
May 24, 2005 - Donut, Gummy Bears, Fries & Apple Cobbler
I don't know what happened today. This morning I got up and walked
(two days in a row!) and was fine. And then found myself at the
grocery store buying a donut (man, it was good) and gummy bears.
Then we all went out to lunch and I had fries and apple cobbler.
Bad! Bad! The lady at the checkout asked if there was just one donut
in the bag. Yes, I said, and thought about how badly I wanted several
more. Had a ton of stuff to do at work today. And a ton of stuff
at home. I hate going to the grocery store during the week, but
since I was in St. Louis over the weekend I didn't have time to
go. So I'm off with the kids tonight to the new Super Wal-Mart to
shop. Argh. Got like 10 loads of laundry piled up that need to be
folded, need to do some writing, need to make more money, need to
make love to my husband... Just a lot going on. I know most of it
is in my head, but you know how us women can get sometimes! I think
part of it is that I honestly haven't written in my journal since
last week and it's starting to get to me. I usually have some time
at work to do that, but not the past couple days. And I'm feeling
heavy and yucky from all the crap I ate today.
May 25, 2005 - I Can Feel the Baby!
Finally, I have some time to sit and write. I all of a sudden have
this chunk of time and I'm not sure what to do with it. It's weird.
Well, I finally did it. I got up Monday morning at 5:30 and walked.
I didn't take my normal route so it was kind of like a new thing.
Mom and I made a deal Sunday night that we'd each wake up and exercise
Monday morning. She is usually very diligent about exercising and
said she hadn't walked in a long, long time. I was shocked, actually.
I called her Monday night just to make sure she got up. It was harder
to get up this morning, but I was glad I did. I'll finally go my
normal route tomorrow.
I had a feeling that my sugars would be a little higher than normal
this morning since I ate so, so bad yesterday. I was 80 fasting,
which is within range, but I'm usually in the 70s. I ate my ½
peanut butter sandwich (I could have done without that at 5:30 a.m.)
and after my walk I was 97, which is, again, about normal. Then,
two hours post, I was 78. That's never happened before-being lower
2 hours post than I was at fasting. Shows how good that walk was
I know already that I'll skip next Tuesday because I have to be
at my educator's office at 8:15, which means I have to leave the
house by 7:30. They put a continuous glucose monitor on me today.
I'm very anxious to see the results. When I told one of my bosses
that I was getting the monitor she said the trick will be to not
eat any differently than I normally would. Which is true, but I
wanted to be really good. Well, I had some gummy bears this afternoon
with my snack. I really wanted to be good so the monitor could see
what I was like for one day being super good. But I also really
wanted to eat something bad so that we could see what happens to
my body when I eat unapproved foods. I guess that was my unapproved
food. I should just throw those gummies away. (In fact, I just did!)
They're not that good anyway and I wouldn't have wanted them if
they weren't here.
I have something to write about. I decided that trying to write
a novel sort of right off the bat might be too much pressure all
at once. So I've got plans in my head for a short story. Maybe a
really short story. I'm not sure. We'll see how it goes. But since
I obviously have no trouble talking about myself, I'm writing a
non-fiction short story. I took a non-fiction class in college and
really felt like I found a voice there. It was kind of neat. My
professor told me she thought I had a novel in me somewhere. She
said within five years. Well, it's been, ah hem, much longer
than that and that I haven't written more than a couple baby journals
and some lengthy business features.
I've decided that I'm definitely feeling George moving around.
Around eight weeks I kept thinking that I was feeling baby movements,
but thought it was entirely too early for that. So I just kind of
brushed it off. Well, I'm convinced that now (at 12 weeks) I'm feeling
him move. It's just unmistakable. I can't wait to go to the doctor
next week so I can hear the heartbeat. I've heard it once before,
but this time I'll be able to linger over it. And my next ultrasound
is June 7. I'm starting to get very, very anxious about that one.
More features will be visible by then. At least I hope so. I'd love
to be able to find out if we're having a boy or a girl then, but
I think it's more likely that we'll have to wait until July.
Marc and I are pretty sure it's a boy. Ok, I'm pretty sure
it's a boy; Marc's positive it's a boy. But there's this little
voice or something in the back of my head saying girl. So I'm anxious
to see for sure. I knew almost instantly that Megan was a girl.
In hindsight, I knew Marcus was a boy, but I think I was in denial.
Marc knew Marcus was a boy, too.
I finally got him to at least consider an M name. For a long time,
Marc wouldn't even do that. All of the ones we liked we used already,
he said. I sort of agreed with that. We haven't talked much more
about it, but I think we've picked out our boy name.
May 26, 2005 - Continuous Glucose Monitor - Technical Difficulties
I am so tired today. I feel like I haven't slept in days. I don't
know what it is. I went to bed about the same time as usual last
night. I ate a lot yesterday, but I wouldn't think that would affect
me today. Then again, what I ate last week could be affecting
me today. I didn't even get up to walk this morning. Well, let me
clarify. I actually got up and got my walking shorts on, but went
back to bed for about an hour. I was just so tired.
I had to take the continuous glucose monitor off last night. Not
by choice. It was fine all day-aka during regular business hours
when I could call my educator with questions-and then as soon as
I got home it started giving me a disconnect alarm. So I did what
I was supposed to do to clear it, but it went off four times in
about 15 min. So I called the 24-hour hotline and they monitored
signals and asked a bunch of questions. After that phone call, the
alarm stopped until about 8:30 when it started again. So I called
the hotline again and they did the same thing they did before. They
said to wait another 15 min and put another blood sugar in to recalibrate.
And I said, but that's what I've been doing and it keeps giving
me the alarm. So several senior technicians talked it over and decided
there was something wrong with the cable, told me to turn it off
and disconnect it from my body.
So disappointed. I can still do it again, but had really hoped
not to have to turn it off. I told Marc that I thought about keeping
it on just over night to see what happens and so that my educator
could at least get one night's worth of information. Then I realized
the darn thing was probably going to beep all night and keep me
awake. So I disconnected. And my educator is teaching a class this
morning so I haven't even told her yet. I'm supposed to go back
on Tuesday so they can download all the information, and my guess
is that as long as they don't have to order another cable I could
still go in tomorrow and get the thingy inserted again and still
be able to download the info on Tues. We'll see. I'll just have
to wait to talk to my educator.
Still, so tired. I'm going home to lie down.
2 p.m.-I left work around 11:30 and drove the four blocks home.
Immediately lied down and didn't wake up until 1 p.m. I continued
to lie there for another 30 min or so. Still just felt so, so tired
and weak. It was 2 p.m. before I ate lunch and I didn't feel hungry,
which was weird. Then, of course, as soon as I ate something I felt
famished. I had some chicken soup and a Nutri Grain bar. I love
those things. They're great for my morning snack because it's right
about 30 g of carbs.
I'm actually hot right now, too. It's weird. The thermostat in
my area is set at 73. Today's high is only 76-it's absolutely beautiful
outside. I typically turn the thermostat up to 75 and wear a sweater.
This morning I had my fleece jacket on (in May!!), but now my hands
are sweaty and I feel kind of warm. It's so weird what my body is
And Marc went to St. Louis today to see friends and won't be home
for dinner. I don't know what we'll do for dinner because there's
no sense in cooking for basically just me. I guess I'll make something
like chicken nuggets for the kids and have some more soup for myself.
I'll probably end up going out tomorrow night.
Through a series of phone tag episodes, we finally made plans for
me to go back to my educator's office tomorrow afternoon to get
another monitor hooked up. Fortunately, we'll still be able to download
all the information on Tuesday morning, providing the cable doesn't
go bonkers again. (They have a new cable.) I'm still pretty anxious
to see what this thing says.
It was so interesting to me to see just a few numbers. I had to
take my own BS to recalibrate the machine. And between about 5:15
and 5:45 I went from 117 to 91. I don't understand the logic behind
that and am curious to have it explained to me. Especially since
I had an enormous afternoon snack yesterday. Much, much more than
I usually do.
Ok, I just looked at the ingredient list of the box of granola
bars I had yesterday. (Not the whole box!) And the second ingredient
is sugar! Damn! I usually only look at the carbs. This was decent.
Well, I'm betting that I feel lousy because I had regular sugar.
The other day when I had Baskin Robbins (yuuummmm) I felt incredibly
lousy that night. So I think sugar in high concentrates does me
in. I'm better off eating high fat and/or high carb foods than something
like ice cream or something with sugar as the second ingredient!
Now wait. I just looked at the Nutri Grain box and the filling
is the first ingredient in that and the first ingredient in the
filling is high fructose corn syrup. Sugar isn't listed until the
fourth ingredient. Strange. Very strange. Maybe it wasn't the granola
Wouldn't it be nice if a little message box popped up somewhere
to say what the heck is going on? hmph.
May 27, 2005 - Restarting the Continuous Glucose Monitor
Sometimes what being pregnant does to your hormones really just
sucks. I'm pissed off at the world today for no reason. And actually,
it didn't start until late this afternoon. I'm upset about the most
random things. I'm tired and cranky and not enjoying the kids and
that's probably what makes me the most upset.
So I ate McDonald's for dinner. Ugh. And what makes that even worse
is that I was just reconnected to the continuous glucose monitor.
However, I sort of wanted to have at least one bad thing so that
my educator could see what happens to me when I eat really bad.
I think that's sort of fair in a way. You know? Yeah, I'm more or
less justifying a night of bad eating (plan to have some ice cream
later-low carb ice cream, but still it's ice cream), but in reality,
I think it will be interesting to see what my body does in reaction
to this high-fat, high-carb meal.
TO JUNE ENTRIES