Michelle's Journal

MAY

May 1, 2005 - I Still Feel Lousy - May the Doctor Appointments Begin!
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Ok, I feel downright yucky. Not like I'm gonna lose my lunch or anything, but now I know why I stopped eating so poorly. I had a whole chicken in the oven tonight for almost two hours and the darn thing just wouldn't cook. Ugh! Ok, our oven is from the Bewitched era (literally, our stove is the same one from that TV show!) So it doesn't cook great, but still after two hours that little chicken should have been done. Well, I have a 5-year-old and a 2- ½-year-old and it was way past when they normally eat dinner. Bless their hearts, they were being great for being hungry. So we went on to Plan B. I started making microwave mac and cheese for the kids while hubby and I were just gonna fend for ourselves. Then, he said tater tots. Aaaaahhhhh! Ok, I said. You don't have to twist my arm too much. Ha!

Well, the other day when I had finally given in to my tater tot craving they were just about the best thing I had ever eaten. Today, it was just salty, deep-fried fast food. Nothing spectacular. And now, I feel tired and heavy. Yuck. And I remember how I used to feel this way all the time since we ate like this several times a week. Granted, I'll still want tater tots again tomorrow because just about everything in the fridge will seem like it tastes like s**t. But, I'll have this feeling and I'll try to draw from it. And I'll remember how guilty I felt before eating…on my way to the restaurant. I kept thinking about what I'm doing to this life inside me. Guilt is good for me sometimes. Maybe not-I still ate it.

On another note, my educator had me lower my insulin intake on Friday even though she doesn't like to make changes on Fridays. My fasting numbers have been within range. Of course, I haven't eaten so well this weekend, so I haven't been testing and therefore we might not have such an accurate reading of how well the insulin drop is effecting me. But I think the fasting numbers are a pretty good gauge. Not to mention that I haven't felt like I'm going to explode in the past two days. I just remember thinking that I just can't go through this until November. I just can't feel this lousy for that long. I've had to think a whole lot more during the few short weeks of this pregnancy than I did throughout the entire other two pregnancies. Which is fine. Thinking is good.

I have three-count 'em, 3!-doctor's appointments on Tuesday. I see the hematologist in the morning to talk about my leg. The swelling is practically gone, which is amazing. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to drive the two hours to St. Louis to meet my family so we can drive to Tulsa in the RV on Friday to see my youngest brother's college graduation, but the leg is recovering nicely. Next, I'll see the perinatologist, who I will have a few choice words for, hopefully. (I hope I don't chicken out.) I'm curious to see what he'll say about the blood clot. If anything. I'm now about sevenish weeks along, so we should finally be able to determine a due date via ultrasound. Right now, they have me due Nov. 26, but since my cycle is 45 days long, I'm most likely due the first or second week of December. HOWEVER, I suspect I will be induced and so I might actually deliver at the end of November anyway. Time will tell. I also see my GYN.

I have my laundry list of questions ready for my GYN. When I was pregnant with my first child, my doctor had sort of expected my list of questions. She half-teased me about it too. Good thing I have a decent sense of humor. But four weeks is a long time between doctor's appointments to remember all those questions. Not to mention that I love to make lists! I'd make honey-do lists for my husband all the time if he wouldn't ignore them! The questions are different this time, though: Will I have to be separated from the baby? What is your normal procedure for diabetic deliveries? What's the chance of a c-section?

Although this is my third child, so much is so new that in a way it's almost like the first time, which is kind of cool, actually. But still scary. Because in a way I just kind of want to cruise control through this - especially with my eating. I hate that I'm feeling discouraged already and that I've not been as diligent as I should be about my testing. I think it's a phase and that it will pass, but it scares me that I'm still in my first trimester and already wanting to abandon the things that are best for me and George.

May 4, 2005 - I Have a Due Date/Induction Date and a Little Reassurance
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I officially, finally, have a due date! December 8, 2005. So excited! Today, I am eight weeks and six days pregnant, according to the ultrasound yesterday. It's nice to have such concrete information instead of just "around" eight weeks.

In a marathon of appointments, I saw three doctors yesterday. I followed up with the hematologist about my blood clot. He measured both of my calves and my left is 3 cm bigger in diameter than my right. The swelling has gone down, but not much. At least I'm not in pain anymore and can walk and take the stairs without being uncomfortable. I zipped across the street this morning and thought about how I couldn't have moved that fast last week. So things are looking up in that respect.

I spoke at length with my perinatologist, who was responsible for prescribing the blood thinners. He said he sees hundreds of patients with my history and uses the same treatment. He said that if I came to him tomorrow he wouldn't have changed his approach, and that even if he had seen my previous records he doesn't think that would have changed his treatment plan. He apologized several times for what happened. He spent more time with me this visit than any other. I am still jaded by the whole experience, but feel a little more comfortable knowing how seriously he's paying attention to me. Both my perinatologist and my GYN have said that I apparently have some clotting disorder that we don't know about and don't know what to test for. So we'll be keeping a closer eye on me from now on.

Back to babyness: I will definitely be induced, which will at the latest be on or around December 1 (My dad's birthday!), which is 39 weeks. It's been a long haul so far for such a short period of time. December 1 would be great since it's Dad's birthday. I think I'd rather do that than have a Thanksgiving baby. I don't know, I'm weird about holidays. I guess, in the long run, it really doesn't matter as long as we have a healthy, happy baby.

I'm worried about my sugars again today. I splurged a little yesterday; had a yummy salad with high fat dressing (ranch!) for lunch and some ice cream (but no cone) for an afternoon snack. I felt lousy last night. I was asleep at 8 p.m.! My husband had to wake me up at 10 so I could get my shots and check my sugars. I was 115 at 10 p.m., which seemed a little high for me at night, especially since I had been good at dinnertime. I really should have checked after dinner. Live and learn, right?

This morning, my fasting sugar was 75, and two hours after breakfast I was only 84. I really expected to be much higher than that. I had the same breakfast yesterday and went from the 80s at fasting to the 160s two hours post-meal. I had slightly less breakfast this morning, but not that much less. And now, I'm getting that sick feeling I had last week when I thought I was gonna explode. So I'll head home in a second and eat lunch - a sensible one.

I want to talk to my educator, though, because these wild fluctuations bother me. Since I'm so new to diabetes, I just don't know what affect I'm having on the baby. That's what drives me the most wild - just not knowing if the baby's OK.

I'll have another ultrasound in five weeks (a nice perk, if you want to call it that, of being diabetic is that you get ultrasounds pretty frequently) and I'll be almost 13 weeks, so we might be able to make out some more body parts at that point. At least I hope so. Maybe then I'll have a little more peace of mind.

I remember one of my first visits to my educator when I told her that I was just terrified that all I'm doing is screwing the baby up with every bite I take. She assured me that I'm doing fine, and that helped. But it's getting so much harder to be good with my eating. I just want to eat all the bad stuff. I'm dying for a Blizzard or a quart of Baskin Robbins ice cream. I hate that I can't eat with wild abandon anymore. Sometimes I find my subconscious saying, "I don't care." And then I have to pinch myself and remind myself that I do care. It's hard to do this.

Fortunately, I have a good support system of people who are going to keep me on my toes. My educator, for one, looks at all of my food records and BS numbers and she points out everything, everything that is elevated. Nothing gets past her and I think that's great. I need the strict authority figure in my life.

It's mid-afternoon now and my educator just called. She had me ask the peri some questions about testing times since there are apparently some new guidelines. We talked for a bit and she said she wants to put me on a monitor for about three days that will take my blood sugar every few minutes and will download about 280 BS numbers a day to a computer so she can better analyze me. She said it's basically just a learning tool. But it might be really helpful to see more of what's going on since I am having some pretty unexplained fluctuations. I mean, I know that pregnancy will do that anyway, but sometimes there's no rhyme or reason to it. So we'll do that in the next couple of weeks.

I also asked her to more or less ease my fears that every last bite of bad food I had was damaging the baby. She said that baby problems are most likely to occur when sugars are consistently over 200. And I basically said so if I have an occasional ice cream I'm not hurting George. I know she couldn't really give me license to just eat whatever and whenever, but I could read between the lines. Even though she hesitated, she said that basically it's OK to splurge-and be sure to follow the bad eating with a walk! I feel so much better now knowing that if I go to Pizza Hut tonight for dinner that I'm not definitely harming this baby. What relief.

May 11, 2005 - Learning Curve
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This eating thing is killing me. No matter what or how much I ate yesterday I felt like I hadn't eaten in days. I was famished and was quickly withering away to nothing. I ate several handfuls of sugar cereal before dinner (bad bad!) and then ate too much dinner. So much dinner that I felt heavy and bloated. Probably could have thrown up if I tried. But I was just so hungry! Marc and I were planning to rendezvous in the bedroom last night and I couldn't even do that! But, I didn't wake up hungry this morning.

I don't know. In a way I feel like I'm still not in control of this disease. Sometimes I feel like it's controlling me. Ok, all the time I feel like it's controlling me. I just hate that I'm getting this frustrated this early on in the game. It drives me insane that I think about food and blood sugar more than George. I'm just so anal-retentive and controlling that I need to have control of this. I hate eating the same thing every morning and getting different BS results day after day. I know that's just part of it, but part of me keeps thinking about what's it's really worth. Not the taking care of myself so that George is healthy, I mean the monitoring the blood sugar. I know, I know…what it's really all about, but sometimes I just don't test because, well, I don't really know why, but I just don't do it. In a way I just feel like I'm eating what I'm supposed to for the most part and I feel like that should be sufficient. Now, reality is screaming at me from the back of my head saying "You idiot!" I know I have to monitor to make sure my body isn't playing tricks on me.

On to other things.

I'm in a wedding in September. I have been friends with this girl since we went to (mandatory) sixth grade camp together. There were three elementary schools in our district and at the end of sixth grade all the students went to camp together for a week to basically just meet each other before we were all crammed into the same middle school for the next two years. Anyway, we were very close friends for a very long time. I smoked my first cigarette with her (a Marlboro red and I'm not sure I inhaled), got caught sneaking out of her house, created secret codes so we could talk about boys and other people without anyone but us knowing what the heck we were talking about, and played endless games of what amounted to dots. I still want to get out a piece of graph paper and hand her a blue marker and start a game!

Anyway, we lost touch sometime after I got married (we celebrate our seventh anniversary on Monday!). Now, how we got back together is the strangest story. I had gone to my grandmother's 90th birthday party last summer and seen a side of my family I hadn't seen in probably 15 years. I "met" cousins and reconnected with old family. Anyway, several months ago I got an email from one of my cousins who happened to be the significant other of the brother of a guy who was in my high school class. (Could you follow that??) Her boyfriend (it's so hard to say that since they have a child together) had been taking music lessons from a high school pal for a number of years. My cousin sort of out of the blue went along one day and found herself talking to the guy's girlfriend. Well, that turned out to be my friend from camp. We emailed each other and it wasn't long after that that she asked me to be in her wedding. It's almost like no time has passed. It's really neat.

Anyway, the point of that story is that I finally went down to the dress shop yesterday and tried on the bridesmaid dress. We ordered the dresses before I found out that I'm pregnant. I had already put a deposit down and I was freaking out that I'd have to wear a different dress from the other girls and forfeit my deposit and blah, blah, blah. Well, I have lost about 20 lb. since they measured me for this dress. So No. 1, it's too big already! What a relief! And No. 2 they said there's three seams that can easily be let out. It's sort of an empire waist, but I was worried that there wouldn't be enough room for my belly. They think I'll be fine. I certainly hope so because they said they only need three weeks prior to the wedding for the alterations. So I'm planning to wait a while-aka until my belly starts to grow!-before I start thinking about alterations.

So, it turns out I have neuropathy. This is a self-diagnosis, of course. Some diabetic-related thing that I had no idea existed until diabetes. My pinky finger on my left hand gets numb every now and then like it's just waking up. Then, all of a sudden it'll get warm like I can feel all the blood rushing to it. It's kind of a pain because all I want to do is shake it and pinch it to get the feeling back, but nothing works except time. It started in the hospital when I had the blood clot. And actually runs up to my elbow. I thought it was blood clot-related, but apparently not. The other day I carried a heavy trash bag and a different finger on that hand got very tingly. It was weird.

I keep thinking about a friend from work whose hands got numb toward the end of her pregnancy, but that was more like carpal tunnel than this. At least this comes and goes. I'll just have to keep track of it and say something to my educator and GYN at my next visit. We have a friend who's a nurse and she basically said there's nothing I can do about it. Terrific.

More unsettling news: Two days ago I was in a fender bender. Someone rear-ended me as I sat at a yield sign. Nobody was hurt, thank God. I think the kid was shook up pretty good, though. I didn't tell him that I'm pregnant. But we called the police and I told them. I just didn't want to freak him out more than need be. He kept saying that I was being so nice about this and I just kept thinking that s**t happens. Nobody was hurt and that was the main thing. Cars and be replaced and fixed. Not people. I called the doctor yesterday to tell them and they said basically what I thought they would: As long as you're not cramping or bleeding you're basically fine.

So now I'm anxiously awaiting my next appointments. Four more weeks until I can see George on the ultrasound again. I keep thinking that I'm feeling him move, but I'm only 10 weeks and I really don't think that's what I'm feeling. It's nice to think that, though. Sort of dream, I guess. I felt baby movements with the second one much earlier than the first. I was about 18 weekswith my son when I felt him move. It was much, much earlier than that with my daughter. Maybe I am feeling George, but I seriously doubt it.

May 12, 2005 - Finally Showing?
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I think George is growing! My lower abdomen was so tight yesterday and my belly was quite itchy. Not so much today, but I feel like a little progress is being made. Still, at 10 weeks, he can't be that big. But it is my third pregnancy.

So I finally weaned myself off my anti-depressants. Something my GYN and I had discussed trying at least before my third trimester so as to avoid any withdrawal symptoms for George. Last night, the kids were just being kids, and after not laughing at all their cute stuff and generally getting annoyed with everything they did I started to wonder how badly I need the Prozac. Today, though, I feel much better. I think I'll just watch it and see how I do. It's scary, though, to try to more or less deal with this on my own. I plan to start taking the Prozac immediately after George is born, though. With two past bouts of postpartum depression, I know it's gonna happen this time, too, and I'm not planning to wait it out and see if it comes.

Brooke Shields was on the radio this morning talking about her book. I'm so glad she's literally all over the place talking about this. I felt like I knew exactly what she was talking about, like she was describing what happened to me with my first run in with PPD. I just can't tell you how excited this makes me that someone famous is talking about this.

This brings up another point, though…seems like everyone and their dog is writing a book and all I can think of is why I haven't done it yet. These people make it seem so simple. Or, maybe I'm just projecting that on to them. I know I try too hard and that I'm my own worst critic, but geez, I know I'm capable of it. It's obvious that I have plenty to say.

May 13, 2005 (Friday!) - Not Sure About These Numbers
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Oh-My-God! It's approximately three hours after I had lunch-1/2 a Sonic cheeseburger and my beloved tater tots-and my BS is 125. Ok, Ok…granted it is three hours after I ate, but I was still expecting to be pretty high. I'm sure I was higher an hour ago, but not nearly as high as I thought. I really, honestly, thought I would be in the upper 100's if not over 200.

Now, I know there's something wrong with me today. Not quite sure what it is, but I've felt lousy pretty much all day. Frankly, I started feeling crappy last night. I was 81 fasting this morning, which, by the way, is a little higher than usual and has been that way for the past two days. Usually I'm in the 70s fasting and if I get in the 80s it's only for a day. Anyway, I had a ½ peanut butter sandwich for breakfast on Earth Grains extra fiber bread with a glass of milk and I was only 88 two and a half hours later. (Hubby had a flat tire this morning, so my normal schedule was a little delayed. But at least I got to lie on the couch for almost an hour!) When I don't go up too much after eating and I'm feeling the way I do, it's a blood sugar issue and/or insulin issue. I'll see how I do over the weekend and maybe mention something to my educator on Monday if this keeps up.

May 16, 2005 - (Our Seventh Anniversary!) Walking Does a Body Good
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I started walking again over the weekend. It wasn't so hard to do on Saturday morning, but Sunday was another story. I don't know what it was, but I felt lousy for the entire walk. I came home and basically flopped on the couch and stayed there for about the next two hours. Took a nap and even forgot my blood thinner shot that morning. Frankly, I think I could have done without the walk. In fact, I did this morning. I just didn't get up. I just don't have the motivation for it like I used to. What used to take me about 25 to 30 minutes took nearly 45 this weekend. I just can't force myself to walk any faster. The dog is even pulling on the leash! I told the kids that we'd go for a walk tonight after dinner. I really hope I can stick to that promise. I know it's good for me, good for the baby, good for the (blood clot) leg, good for the diabetes, but I'm just not motivated anymore. And that drives me insane because I used to feel so good after a walk. Even in the beginning, I just felt so revived and awake after the walk. And I know it's only been two days, but I just feel like I'm forcing myself to do it. Well, I am forcing myself to do it.

Maybe part of the problem this weekend was that I think my belly is growing. I think if I hadn't just lost 30 lb. that my clothes would be starting to get tight. It's kind of cool because it seems like there's this little pouch right below my belly button. I can't wait to really start showing and to feel George moving. That's the part of pregnancy that I like.

This pregnancy is so much different than my other two. Namely, this is the first one with diabetes. It's so hard to figure out why I feel the way I do when I do. With my first two at least I sort of had patterns-every night before bed feel sick, get too hungry feel sick-but this time there seems to be no rhyme or reason to how I feel. Today, for instance, my sugars seemed to be too low after breakfast. Usually that is part of why I feel yucky. Well, today I feel fine. It's just so strange. My educator and my peri plan to put me on a continuous glucose monitor this week for three days. I'm anxious to see what kind of results that yields. This is so much more frustrating I think because I'm new to diabetes. I didn't really have that figured out before I found out that I'm pregnant.

I've been allowing myself to slip a lot more lately and not feel so guilty about it. I guess I've seen the limits my body can take and I'm more or less taking advantage of it. But on the other hand, I'm not completely obsessing over my food choices and intake anymore. If I want a piece of candy or something not so good for me, I allow myself to have it. I have found that the more I restrict myself from having something, the worse I want it and the worse I cheat when I finally give in.

Over the weekend, we went to a backyard party for the kids' daycare provider. It was catered, and everyone brought a dessert. I knew I was going to eat whatever was served and was going to allow myself to eat as much dessert as I wanted without feeling horrible about it. I had a piece of the cake I made (not too impressed with it) and then went back for a chocolate cheesecake with turtle topping. Yum!! I surprised myself by only eating half the piece of cheesecake (I'd like the other half right now, though!). It's just so strange how my eating habits have changed since diabetes. I think before diabetes I would have scarfed that cheesecake down even if my brain and my tummy were saying stop. Saturday, I just didn't want anymore and didn't feel like I had to eat it. Of course, I went back to the dessert table later for a Rice Krispy treat, but that's neither here nor there! It's almost like my body is telling me when I'm going to have sugar overload. And it occurred to me last night that the reason I felt so lousy on Sunday morning was because I did have too much sugar and carbs on Saturday night. It's just such a learning process. I can't really dumb this down for myself; it's not a wash-n-go kind of thing.

On another note: My brain just seems to be so mushy lately. I know there's pregnant brain. Heck, I've had pregnant brain, but this pregnancy it seems so much worse. I can't think straight, can't motivate myself to do things, forget when I have laundry started, can hardly talk straight. One day over the weekend I tried to tell my daughter to get something to wear and I went back and forth between eat and drink before I finally said wear! We all had a good laugh over that one.

May 17, 2005 - Patience is Not a Virtue
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I'm so frustrated today and it's not for the reason you think. I'm just so impatient! I'm 10 weeks and 5 days pregnant and I know that I can't feel the baby yet because I'm not far along enough, but I want to! I'm tired of feeling pregnant and not getting any of the baby rewards-the kicking, the hiccups, the gymnastics. I know I just need to be patient, but that's not in my nature. And, unfortunately, I've passed it on to my children. Haha!

I'm pissy today and I can't figure out why. Came home and started talking to hubby about random things and just got hormonal, I guess. It's like when you're 40 weeks pregnant and two days from your due date and your sister just had her baby and you know it's gonna be any day now but why not today? Just so frustrated at the world and I don't know why. And that makes me even more frustrated. And to top it off, I'm trying to work on some writing projects and I just know that my pissy mood will hinder my writing ability. Doesn't that just suck? That I depend so much on a good mood to have good writing? Ugh!

So now I'm frustrated at myself for needing to be in a good mood in order to write well. Why shouldn't I just channel all that negative energy into my writing? Well, my brain doesn't work like that for some strange reason. I know it's the hormones, but it's just frustrating to deal with. I'd really love a hot fudge sundae to deal with all this. I have some of Blue Bunny's carb freedom ice cream, but the only good part of that really was the little chocolate/peanut butter bunnies and the ribbon of fudge running through it. The peanut butter ice cream left something to be desired. Ok, it left a lot to be desired. Frankly, it tasted "diet." I have to go past a Baskin Robbins tomorrow. I think I'll get some of my favorite ice cream…mmmmm…peanut butter and chocolate. I can taste it already. Maybe even a whole quart and eat the whole damn thing in one sitting. Yeah, right. I'll get too guilty before that happens.

Interestingly, last weekend when Wendy's was giving away free Frosties, I did not, I repeat, I did not get one even though I was right next door to a Wendy's. I knew I was going to be at a party later that night where there would be oodles of sinful desserts and tons of high-carb foods. So I saved myself for the party. And, it was 10 a.m. I still could have convinced myself to eat chocolate ice cream that early in the morning, though. Would have been a nice mid-morning snack. Ha.

Ok, it's been an hour and I have some writing under my belt. Ready to start the big project that will actually pay me.

Just looked at my notes and need more info. Ugh! I wasn't ready to write it anyway. Guess I'll go eat some ice cream. Ha!

May 18, 2005 - Pen Pals
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A good friend of mine from college and I have been exchanging actual, hand-written letters recently. Yes, you read right-hand-written on paper. It all started when she was proctoring an exam at the school where she worked and didn't have anything to do. She wrote me a several-pages-long letter, and instead of shooting her an email when I got it that said "thanks for the letter, here's what's going on in my life" I sat down and wrote her one of my own.

We honestly don't exchange emails much anymore unless we need to get in touch with each other quickly. We learn more about what's going on in each other's lives because we have an actual piece of paper to hang on to.

I used to send these letters to out of town friends when I was in high school. They got dubbed as novels because I would send lengthy letters-usually written in several different colors of marker-every week or two. It was almost like a journal for me.

In the last letter I got from my friend, which arrived yesterday, she finished up by saying: "I like this letter thing." It seems strange that in just a few short years, letter writing became a nostalgic pastime.

I'm anxious to start my next letter to her. I've even picked out a new pen to use. Ok, that sounds kooky, but I'm a stationery/pen/font freak. Always have been. Everyone has their little obsessions, right?

May 19, 2005 - Worried I'm Not Worried About Birth Defects
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I don't know what's wrong with me today. I had my normal soup for lunch-I think I'm going to turn into a can of Campbell's Chunky-and some Cheez Its. Ok, I had some mini M&M's too, but I did the same thing yesterday and BS was fine. Today, however, I was 178 after lunch! Ugh! I haven't been that high since I don't know when.

I knew I wasn't going to want to cook a regular dinner tonight. Chicken or spaghetti just wasn't gonna cut it for me. But I didn't want to eat out. Well, I did, but not with BS already at 178. We did anyway, but I made Marc promise to force me to get up in the morning to walk. Even though it's hot, I decided to walk tonight after the kids go to bed and the sun has gone down. That will be better than tomorrow morning. And I won't feel as guilty about the Big Mac or the M&M's.

When I was pregnant with Megan, I was a permanent substitute teacher in the special services room at one of the elementary schools here. My mom has worked with these kinds of children her entire career. So it wasn't that much of a stretch for me to be in the classroom with them. However, I was convinced that God was preparing me for having a child with mental and/or physical disabilities. I obsessed over this. I was so worried for so long that Megan would be one of those children I was in the classroom with.

And it absolutely terrified me. I saw what their lives were like. I saw how empty life could be. Sure, they didn't know any different, but I did. I didn't want to be the parent of a child like that. I know it's selfish, I know it is. And I know that we would adapt and learn to live differently. And I know that God only gives us what we can handle. But I was terrified.

Now, however, with so many more risk factors for having a child with a birth defect, I'm not as worried. And that scares and worries me that I'm not more worried. Geez! I can't give myself a break, can I? I just keep thinking that maybe God was indeed preparing me for life with a child who's not like my other two children. I'm scared. Maybe so scared that I think I'm not scared.

And my eating just isn't what it used to be. I'm pretty good most of the time, but I've found myself straying a lot more. I felt so horrible going to get dinner tonight and kept running through the conversation I had with my educator about how and when problems occur. That there's about a 3% to 5% chance of birth defects unless your BS is consistently over 200. Consistently over 200. I just kept repeating that. Just kept thinking about that. Consistently over 200.

I'll just have to wait and see the ultrasounds and be patient. And eat better from now on. And, geez, I've got to start walking again.

Marc and I were talking the other night and he said something to the effect about not being excited about this baby. It devastated me to think that my worst fears were coming true. I just caved inward. But we talked about it some more and he could see how horrible I felt and explained a little more. What it came down to is that neither of us have that giddy first baby feeling we had when I was pregnant with Marcus. It was actually a little refreshing to hear him say that. I know the bond is different for men than for women. We get to feel the little guys move and have this almost instant connection with the baby before it's born. For guys, it's hard to have that same bond or any bond for that matter until the baby's born. It was nice, in a way, to know that I wasn't the only one who didn't feel as excited as I thought I should. It was also nice to know, to have it reiterated, that he is excited, just not the same way as six years ago.

I've got to stay awake. That dinner made me so tired and heavy. Ugh! Not only do I need to walk tonight, but the season finale of ER is on. Got to watch that. And it's been a while since we've had a wink, wink, nudge, nudge evening. Been anticipating this all day. I just have a busy evening and can't afford to go to sleep! Hahahahaha!

May 24, 2005 - Donut, Gummy Bears, Fries & Apple Cobbler…
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I don't know what happened today. This morning I got up and walked (two days in a row!) and was fine. And then found myself at the grocery store buying a donut (man, it was good) and gummy bears. Then we all went out to lunch and I had fries and apple cobbler. Bad! Bad! The lady at the checkout asked if there was just one donut in the bag. Yes, I said, and thought about how badly I wanted several more. Had a ton of stuff to do at work today. And a ton of stuff at home. I hate going to the grocery store during the week, but since I was in St. Louis over the weekend I didn't have time to go. So I'm off with the kids tonight to the new Super Wal-Mart to shop. Argh. Got like 10 loads of laundry piled up that need to be folded, need to do some writing, need to make more money, need to make love to my husband... Just a lot going on. I know most of it is in my head, but you know how us women can get sometimes! I think part of it is that I honestly haven't written in my journal since last week and it's starting to get to me. I usually have some time at work to do that, but not the past couple days. And I'm feeling heavy and yucky from all the crap I ate today.

May 25, 2005 - I Can Feel the Baby!
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Finally, I have some time to sit and write. I all of a sudden have this chunk of time and I'm not sure what to do with it. It's weird.

Well, I finally did it. I got up Monday morning at 5:30 and walked. I didn't take my normal route so it was kind of like a new thing. Mom and I made a deal Sunday night that we'd each wake up and exercise Monday morning. She is usually very diligent about exercising and said she hadn't walked in a long, long time. I was shocked, actually. I called her Monday night just to make sure she got up. It was harder to get up this morning, but I was glad I did. I'll finally go my normal route tomorrow.

I had a feeling that my sugars would be a little higher than normal this morning since I ate so, so bad yesterday. I was 80 fasting, which is within range, but I'm usually in the 70s. I ate my ½ peanut butter sandwich (I could have done without that at 5:30 a.m.) and after my walk I was 97, which is, again, about normal. Then, two hours post, I was 78. That's never happened before-being lower 2 hours post than I was at fasting. Shows how good that walk was for me.

I know already that I'll skip next Tuesday because I have to be at my educator's office at 8:15, which means I have to leave the house by 7:30. They put a continuous glucose monitor on me today. I'm very anxious to see the results. When I told one of my bosses that I was getting the monitor she said the trick will be to not eat any differently than I normally would. Which is true, but I wanted to be really good. Well, I had some gummy bears this afternoon with my snack. I really wanted to be good so the monitor could see what I was like for one day being super good. But I also really wanted to eat something bad so that we could see what happens to my body when I eat unapproved foods. I guess that was my unapproved food. I should just throw those gummies away. (In fact, I just did!) They're not that good anyway and I wouldn't have wanted them if they weren't here.

I have something to write about. I decided that trying to write a novel sort of right off the bat might be too much pressure all at once. So I've got plans in my head for a short story. Maybe a really short story. I'm not sure. We'll see how it goes. But since I obviously have no trouble talking about myself, I'm writing a non-fiction short story. I took a non-fiction class in college and really felt like I found a voice there. It was kind of neat. My professor told me she thought I had a novel in me somewhere. She said within five years. Well, it's been, ah hem, much longer than that and that I haven't written more than a couple baby journals and some lengthy business features.

I've decided that I'm definitely feeling George moving around. Around eight weeks I kept thinking that I was feeling baby movements, but thought it was entirely too early for that. So I just kind of brushed it off. Well, I'm convinced that now (at 12 weeks) I'm feeling him move. It's just unmistakable. I can't wait to go to the doctor next week so I can hear the heartbeat. I've heard it once before, but this time I'll be able to linger over it. And my next ultrasound is June 7. I'm starting to get very, very anxious about that one. More features will be visible by then. At least I hope so. I'd love to be able to find out if we're having a boy or a girl then, but I think it's more likely that we'll have to wait until July.

Marc and I are pretty sure it's a boy. Ok, I'm pretty sure it's a boy; Marc's positive it's a boy. But there's this little voice or something in the back of my head saying girl. So I'm anxious to see for sure. I knew almost instantly that Megan was a girl. In hindsight, I knew Marcus was a boy, but I think I was in denial. Marc knew Marcus was a boy, too.

I finally got him to at least consider an M name. For a long time, Marc wouldn't even do that. All of the ones we liked we used already, he said. I sort of agreed with that. We haven't talked much more about it, but I think we've picked out our boy name.

May 26, 2005 - Continuous Glucose Monitor - Technical Difficulties
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I am so tired today. I feel like I haven't slept in days. I don't know what it is. I went to bed about the same time as usual last night. I ate a lot yesterday, but I wouldn't think that would affect me today. Then again, what I ate last week could be affecting me today. I didn't even get up to walk this morning. Well, let me clarify. I actually got up and got my walking shorts on, but went back to bed for about an hour. I was just so tired.

I had to take the continuous glucose monitor off last night. Not by choice. It was fine all day-aka during regular business hours when I could call my educator with questions-and then as soon as I got home it started giving me a disconnect alarm. So I did what I was supposed to do to clear it, but it went off four times in about 15 min. So I called the 24-hour hotline and they monitored signals and asked a bunch of questions. After that phone call, the alarm stopped until about 8:30 when it started again. So I called the hotline again and they did the same thing they did before. They said to wait another 15 min and put another blood sugar in to recalibrate. And I said, but that's what I've been doing and it keeps giving me the alarm. So several senior technicians talked it over and decided there was something wrong with the cable, told me to turn it off and disconnect it from my body.

So disappointed. I can still do it again, but had really hoped not to have to turn it off. I told Marc that I thought about keeping it on just over night to see what happens and so that my educator could at least get one night's worth of information. Then I realized the darn thing was probably going to beep all night and keep me awake. So I disconnected. And my educator is teaching a class this morning so I haven't even told her yet. I'm supposed to go back on Tuesday so they can download all the information, and my guess is that as long as they don't have to order another cable I could still go in tomorrow and get the thingy inserted again and still be able to download the info on Tues. We'll see. I'll just have to wait to talk to my educator.

Still, so tired. I'm going home to lie down.

2 p.m.-I left work around 11:30 and drove the four blocks home. Immediately lied down and didn't wake up until 1 p.m. I continued to lie there for another 30 min or so. Still just felt so, so tired and weak. It was 2 p.m. before I ate lunch and I didn't feel hungry, which was weird. Then, of course, as soon as I ate something I felt famished. I had some chicken soup and a Nutri Grain bar. I love those things. They're great for my morning snack because it's right about 30 g of carbs.

I'm actually hot right now, too. It's weird. The thermostat in my area is set at 73. Today's high is only 76-it's absolutely beautiful outside. I typically turn the thermostat up to 75 and wear a sweater. This morning I had my fleece jacket on (in May!!), but now my hands are sweaty and I feel kind of warm. It's so weird what my body is doing today.

And Marc went to St. Louis today to see friends and won't be home for dinner. I don't know what we'll do for dinner because there's no sense in cooking for basically just me. I guess I'll make something like chicken nuggets for the kids and have some more soup for myself. I'll probably end up going out tomorrow night.

Through a series of phone tag episodes, we finally made plans for me to go back to my educator's office tomorrow afternoon to get another monitor hooked up. Fortunately, we'll still be able to download all the information on Tuesday morning, providing the cable doesn't go bonkers again. (They have a new cable.) I'm still pretty anxious to see what this thing says.

It was so interesting to me to see just a few numbers. I had to take my own BS to recalibrate the machine. And between about 5:15 and 5:45 I went from 117 to 91. I don't understand the logic behind that and am curious to have it explained to me. Especially since I had an enormous afternoon snack yesterday. Much, much more than I usually do.

Ok, I just looked at the ingredient list of the box of granola bars I had yesterday. (Not the whole box!) And the second ingredient is sugar! Damn! I usually only look at the carbs. This was decent. Well, I'm betting that I feel lousy because I had regular sugar. The other day when I had Baskin Robbins (yuuummmm) I felt incredibly lousy that night. So I think sugar in high concentrates does me in. I'm better off eating high fat and/or high carb foods than something like ice cream or something with sugar as the second ingredient!

Now wait. I just looked at the Nutri Grain box and the filling is the first ingredient in that and the first ingredient in the filling is high fructose corn syrup. Sugar isn't listed until the fourth ingredient. Strange. Very strange. Maybe it wasn't the granola bars.

Wouldn't it be nice if a little message box popped up somewhere to say what the heck is going on? hmph.

May 27, 2005 - Restarting the Continuous Glucose Monitor
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Sometimes what being pregnant does to your hormones really just sucks. I'm pissed off at the world today for no reason. And actually, it didn't start until late this afternoon. I'm upset about the most random things. I'm tired and cranky and not enjoying the kids and that's probably what makes me the most upset.

So I ate McDonald's for dinner. Ugh. And what makes that even worse is that I was just reconnected to the continuous glucose monitor. However, I sort of wanted to have at least one bad thing so that my educator could see what happens to me when I eat really bad. I think that's sort of fair in a way. You know? Yeah, I'm more or less justifying a night of bad eating (plan to have some ice cream later-low carb ice cream, but still it's ice cream), but in reality, I think it will be interesting to see what my body does in reaction to this high-fat, high-carb meal.

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