June 2, 2005 - Restart prozac
I had really been thinking
that it was too early to feel George moving, but yesterday I had
definite, unmistakable baby movements. I think that's one of the
coolest parts of being pregnant is feeling the little booger move
around in there. Of course, I don't think I've felt him at all today.
So, for the longest time I had really been thinking that George
is a boy. I'm not exactly sure why. I think part of it is because
I think I'd prefer a boy. Actually, I'd prefer a healthy baby-boy
or girl doesn't really matter. But there was always this voice in
the back of my head saying "girl! it's a girl!"
This is so far fetched, but I pay attention to these kinds of things.
Bear with me. So lately I had been thinking girl more than boy.
And I sort of figured that I'd just wait until the ultrasound detects
it (hopefully Tuesday!). So yesterday-when this girl feeling is
getting pretty strong-I open a kid's catalog that I love
to look through. It's way too expensive, but has great ideas for
stuff I can make. Anyway. On the first page is some decorative art
for a kid's room with the name Madelyn on it. Instantly I said to
myself "this baby is a girl." Madelyn is one of the girl
names I like. Never mind the fact that Marc has already officially
vetoed it because it makes him think of Madeleine Albright.
I have seen this catalog ten million times and have never seen
that name displayed anywhere in the catalog. So, like I said, it's
a little far-fetched, but I pay attention to those kinds of things.
I think of them almost as signs to myself.
I'm finally starting to feel more like I'm pregnant and less like
a sick diabetic. It's strange how our bodies work. The last few
days I've been thinking about how I haven't really felt like I did
with my other two pregnancies: constant nausea, very little appetite,
dizzy, etc. And then the last few days that's exactly how I've been
feeling. Can hardly eat anything, which is actually not so good
for me because my educator and I discovered that if I don't eat
enough carbs I get high BS readings, feeling dizzy and faint.
It's not as bad as it sounds because at least I feel like progress
is being made. I guess my body was adjusting to being pregnant and
a diabetic at the same time and kind of had to work out some of
the kinks before it could really work on the baby. But I feel like
things are moving along-feeling yucky like I do and finally knowing
that it was the baby I felt moving.
Well, I'm back on Prozac. For about the last week, I've really
felt myself slipping. I can feel myself fighting back the tears
at the drop of a hat. I was watching Beauty and the Beast with the
kids over the weekend and started crying at a happy part! And later
that night I just let loose and cried and cried and cried for no
reason. I felt like a horrible mom, like a horrible wife. I had
all the "symptoms" of depression (again): unmotivated,
fatigued, moody, over emotional, short-tempered. All of which could
be part of pregnancy, but I kept saying to myself that this was
more than pregnancy hormones.
The worst part was, and probably what actually helped me realize
how far gone I was, that I was the worst with the kids. I mean,
they were just being kids, just being themselves, and I couldn't
handle the noise, couldn't laugh at them being cute. Monday night
I sat in Marcus's bed and stroked his face and just sobbed at how
horrible I had been treating him. The next morning I apologized
for being crabby and he said, "it's ok mommy." I cried
all over again!
Just the two days of crying and finally talking it out with Marc
made me feel so much better. I could feel myself getting a little
short tempered with Marc and Marcus this morning, but it was easier
to deal with. Fortunately, I knew what this was. I figured that
it had been about three to four weeks since I had completed my weaning
period for the Prozac, so the timing was about right for how miserable
I felt. Marc said it had been more like the last three weeks that
I had been so nasty and not just the last week.
It's interesting. He said that now that we know what I'm like when
I'm not drugged, looking back he could see signs of the depression
long before we had kids. That actually, in a weird way, made me
feel good. It made me realize that it wasn't the kids, it was me.
Of course, I've always known that, but they're really my trigger
for some reason.
I'm considering getting into counseling. I'm less likely to do
it though because I'd most likely have to drive 45 min. to get to
a decent shrink and I'm not really willing to do that. Although,
I know it would help tremendously.
June 7, 2005 - Fourth ultrasound today - look at future appointments
Had my fourth ultrasound today and although I was sort of hoping
we could find out if George is a boy or a girl, no such luck. I
wasn't holding my breath because I knew that we wouldn't be able
to find out today, but it was nice to think that in the back of
my mind. But we got to see his face and head and all kinds of other
body parts. It gave me great peace of mind to hear both the tech
and the peri say that the baby looks good.
Marc said it helped to make things more real for him. He was surprised
when I said that it made things more real to me, too. Sure, I can
feel George move and I have all the issues with my body, but seeing
a picture makes such a difference.
I have two more ultrasounds scheduled: five weeks from now and
10 weeks from now, which will put me at about 24 weeks. Starting
at 28 weeks, I'll start weekly or every other week ultrasounds and
non-stress tests. I can't remember if the doctor said every week
or every other week
he said so much today.
So things are moving along. Just like the military-hurry up and
June 14, 2005 - I'm getting bigger!
I'm finally getting bigger! I can feel the tightness of my tummy
when I hug Marc. Most of my clothes still fit-partly because I've
lost so much weight. Had I not lost weight, I'd probably be in maternity
clothes by now. I tried sleeping on my stomach last night. Big mistake.
I guess I haven't done that in a while. I was pretty proud of the
fact that I could still do that. But I was really half asleep when
I turned on to my stomach. I'm not sure what prompted me to turn
back, but I had a horrible feeling in my tummy when I turned on
to my side. Won't consciously sleep on my tummy for a long while!
And I'm feeling little George move around, too. That's a nice feeling.
Especially when I've been working so hard to do everything right
and still didn't have much to feel pregnant about except nausea
and food aversions. I'm sure I felt that my other pregnancies were
taking forever, too, but this one definitely seems to be creeping
along. It might partially be because I know this will be the last
one. God and my angels want me to absorb every last bit of this
and preserve it in my memory. Sometimes I just wish time went a
little faster. And then I look at my son who's starting kindergarten
in the fall and wonder where the time went.
It's been hard lately to stick with healthy eating. I've been splurging
a lot lately. I guess some of the scare factor has worn off. I'm
mostly good for the most part, but I do sneak in some forbidden
foods every now and again. Ok, a lot. And what's interesting is
that I don't feel guilty about the bad eating anymore. I used to
have horrible guilt after eating a french fry or a potato chip.
Now, it's nothing for me to have dinner at McDonald's. At least
one good thing, though, is that I'm conscious of all this. Before
baby and diabetes, it was nothing for me to eat sugar cereal for
breakfast, fast food for lunch and dinner and enormous amounts of
ice cream after the kids went to bed. So I guess I can't completely
June 15, 2005 - Mommy, how did the baby get in your tummy?
Ok, yesterday I said I felt like I was getting bigger. And last
night I started feeling like I ate a basketball. Normally, I can
have pretty decent posture-holding my shoulders back and semi sucking
my tummy in/keeping my tummy muscles flexed. Well, last night I
had to just let it all hang out! I suddenly looked like I'm six
months pregnant when I'm barely four months! It was crazy. Kind
of cool, but crazy!
And I got kicked one really, really good time last night. It still
amazes me at how surreal this feels. It's almost like I'm pregnant
with my first all over again. Maybe it's because I thought this
would never happen or thought it would at least be much farther
away that it just seems so new almost. The first movements and the
ultrasounds were almost like I had never been through this before.
I can't remember if I did this with Megan or not. It's kind of neat
in a way since this will be our last baby that I'm having the feelings
the way I am. Sort of like deja vu all over again.
On another note: Marcus asked me this morning-in the midst of me
literally walking out the door of the sitter's house-how the baby
got in my tummy. Not where do babies come from, but how, specifically,
did the baby get in my tummy. I thought I had been prepared
for questions like that. I thought I had read enough and would know
what to say when that question ever came up. However, it more or
less derailed me this morning. Fortunately, I was, as I said, walking
out the door, so I said we'd talk about it later. I know he won't
bring it up tonight, so if I want to talk about it with him-and
I think I should-then I'm going to have to bring it up. But I've
been sitting here all day trying to think of the best way to approach
this and I'm still basically clueless! I even tried to look up some
books for kids about it thinking maybe I'd buy him one this weekend
or something. It's kind of hard to tell on Amazon what a book will
be like. Maybe we'll just trek up to the library this weekend. That
might be a better option for now.
Yet another note: I've never really been able to sit very long
cross-legged because I'm so heavy. And even when I do, I look ridiculous
because my legs are so big. Well, now that I've lost 34 lb. (go
me!) I've found that it's getting a little easier to sit cross-legged.
Minor miracles. Except that now my belly is growing to the
point where it's uncomfortable in some chairs for my leg to be that
close to my belly! I'll take the belly over the crossed legs any
June 21, 2005 - Odd blood sugar levels = new insulin plan
First official day of summer, and man is it hot today!
We're messing with my insulin again. Ugh. Saturday night I had
an unbelievable craving for ice cream. I went to Sonic and got the
biggest ice cream they made chock full of Reese's peanut butter
cups. So, so bad for me. And I ate every bit of it.
It was strange, though, in retrospect, that I didn't get that high
feeling I usually get after eating not just bad food, but high-sugar
food. I remember thinking that either I had been sitting for a long
time or that the feeling just never came over me. Well, for matters
regarding keeping my brain at ease, I typically don't test my blood
sugar after eating such meals. Again, in retrospect, I should have.
At least to use as a gauge. Sunday morning my fasting sugar was
Holy s-t! I was floored! Typically, the morning after such a splurge,
my fasting sugars are in the 80s at least. Well, I felt fine and
ate a good breakfast and was under 120 about 90 min. post. I felt
fine all day Sunday. But I still wondered about that 61.
Monday, my educator and I emailed back and forth about what's been
going on with my eating and my sugars. She suggested I eat a bedtime
snack since my fasting sugars had been trending downward lately.
I considered mentioning the 61 to her at that point, but that also
would have meant mentioning the ice cream. I had also been thinking
that I was getting that sickly feeling I had several months ago
when we discovered that 14 units of Lantus was too much. Lowering
the dose to 12 units did the trick-I haven't felt that gross until
So, last night we took my 2½-year-old daughter to get her
ears pierced. Rather on a whim, but I'm rarely spontaneous so it
sort of felt good. And sort of felt weird at the same time. Anyway.
We fed the kids beforehand and Marc and I decided to grab some burgers
on the way home. I was really in the mood for some McDonald's fries.
Well, needless to say, several hours later I felt lousy. I even
said to Marc: Don't let me eat McDonald's anymore. Couldn't believe
those words crossed my lips!
This morning's fasting blood sugar: 66. Again, floored. So I decided
to bite the bullet and say something to my educator thinking that
we needed to lower my dose of insulin again. One reason I hadn't
mentioned it before was because I'm nearly 16 weeks along, and from
what I understand, insulin needs begin increasing around 16 weeks
and typically don't drop off. So I figured my body would adjust.
However, I'm still losing weight. I had maintained at about 32 lb.
lost for probably close to a month. And then I got on the scale
over the weekend and all of a sudden (I weigh every day) I had lost
3 lb., which, apparently, can make a difference.
Anyway. So we're not lowering my dose, as I had expected. Rather,
we're switching my dose to the morning instead of the evening. I
suspect that my fasting numbers will be much higher now.
I've really been letting myself slide a lot more lately than I
should. And I'm not feeling so guilty when I do splurge. Either
way I think is a bad deal. It was very interesting to me over the
weekend when I allowed myself to eat some White Castle cheeseburgers,
better known as Belly Bombers. These things are probably the best
cheeseburgers in the world and they give you horrible, horrible
gas! There's no White Castle restaurant around here, but they sell
frozen ones at Wal-Mart. Marc had been asking me for weeks to buy
them, but they're so horrible for us that I refused. I guess I just
had it on my mind already that I was going to buy some and eat them.
They were not the cherished treat I remembered.
The more I splurge, the more I realize how most of the foods I
thought I loved so much don't taste as good as I think they do.
And every time I eat these things and feel bad and realize it's
not all it's cracked up to be I say to myself that I'll never do
that again. And then I find myself doing it anyway. I suppose, despite
my best intentions, old habits die hard and the fact that I believe
I'm a food addict will always be a part of who I am.
June 22, 2005 - Keep on keepin' on
Ah, I walked this morning. And I didn't do my modified, haven't-walked-in-two-months
mini route either. I was close to cutting it short, but I knew I
could keep going and frankly I wanted to see how long it would take
me. I thought for sure that it would be 40 min and that I would
be running late. I don't think I was walking at such a fast pace.
However, it was 30 min. exactly! Which was great.
However, now I feel tired and weak and kind of blah. And man, am
I hungry! I just had a Nutri Grain bar for a snack and it didn't
even come close to putting a dent in my hunger. I think I just want
to eat, too, which is bad, bad. I had a Snickers last night with
no guilt. I sort of wish I still had the guilt.
You know, it's interesting how things change once you settle into
a new lifestyle. When I was first diagnosed, if it wasn't "time"
for a snack, I just flat out didn't eat. I would go hungry until
that designated time of day. Even did that for a while when I first
got pregnant. Now, though, when I'm hungry I eat. As long as I don't
go overboard, I think I'm OK.
I'm worried, so to speak, about my blood sugar. I'm still thinking
that I'm getting too much insulin. I'm no expert, but I sort of
have a gut feeling about it. Last night as part of my switch to
a morning injection from an evening injection, I took only 6 units
of Lantus. I really thought my fasting blood sugar would be very
high, but it was only 80. I'll have to query my educator to see
if that's normal. Furthermore, I had way too much regular salad
dressing on my salad last night with way too much fat and I really
would have thought that would have just shot my sugars through the
roof, but at one hour post I was only 89. So I had an apple and
one hour after that I was 98. I know the walking has something to
do with it, but I'm just curious.
Anyway, that's my day so far. It was definitely much harder to
get out of bed this morning than yesterday, but it felt good to
walk. Man, was it humid, too! Yuck! I think I must have picked the
absolute worst week to get back to walking. After almost
two weeks of such mild temperatures that we didn't even have the
air on at home, it's now going to be in the upper 80s and 90s for
the next 10 days to two weeks. Oh, and don't let me forget to mention
the stifling humidity that is so common in Missouri in the summer.
Well, I guess if I can make it through this I can keep on keepin'
on. I keep reminding myself that I started this whole walk thing
in February when it was dark when I woke up and bitterly cold most
mornings, but I still went out every day (at least once in the rain,
too) and enjoyed my walk.
June 29, 2005-Simple pleasures
I bought a bag of ice from Sonic for $1! I absolutely love it.
Now I can just eat the ice without having to buy a soda or something
from Sonic. It's so great. In the mornings, I put a slice of lemon
in the bottom of a tumbler and put the ice over it and take it with
me to work. Some of the ice melts and I get super strong lemon water
and sometimes the lemon flavor even gets into the ice chips.
I know, I know, simple pleasures, right? But it keeps me away from
other munchies during the day.
Well, I have extra motivation to walk every morning. My diabetes
educator switched my insulin injection from bedtime to morning.
However, the first few days I did that I didn't exercise and my
one-hour post breakfast readings were out of this world. So now
as long as I walk right after breakfast I'm golden. It's been super
hot and humid here lately (98 degrees today and heat index of 105.
Yuck!) so getting up in the morning has been the best thing in terms
of timing. It's still pretty darn humid, but the last couple days
I've had a good breeze.
We took the kids to the pool last night and I didn't over exert
myself by any means. In fact, I think I moved around less than I
have on other pool outings. But when we got home I could have fallen
asleep on my feet. I was absolutely exhausted. I had good blood
sugar, though! Ha! I started thinking maybe I have a cold coming
on. It was super hard to get up this morning, too, but I did. I
took a modified walk-only 15 min. instead of my normal 30ish. I'm
glad I did, but I still felt pretty lousy when I got home. Sugars
were 114 after my walk instead of under 100 as usual. That's OK,
though, I was still within range.
I continue to get blinding headaches. It's pretty much of a nuisance
because these are not the kind of headaches that I can simply ignore.
It's like a combination of sinus, tension and migraine all balled
into one. It basically sucks. Tylenol alone doesn't really cut it.
I finally broke down and called the doctor to ask if I could take
Sudafed and thankfully I can. That seems to really do the trick.
Still, I don't want to rely on it too much. However, I kind of have
to if I want to function.
I feel a dinner out coming on. Ugh! I really don't want to, but
I didn't make it to the store over the weekend and we've been fine
most of the week, but now all of a sudden we kind of have nothing
for dinner. I kept telling myself all morning that we can just have
spaghetti tonight, but in reality the thought of that is pretty
unappetizing. Not to mention that with the heat today, cooking in
my kitchen with no exhaust fan will just heat up the house. I guess
we'll see what kind of mood I'm in when I get home.
Marc said the other night, too, that he wants to go on "the
Michelle diet." That made me happy. I guess he's seen what
exercise and eating better can do for your weight (lost 37 lb. since
mid-Feb.). So that's another reason I'm not that interested in eating
out. Trying to keep us both on the straight and narrow. But I guess
June 30, 2005-Proof positive
I have evidence now of the exact reason why I can't eat fruit before
mid-afternoon. The other day I made an apple pie. Partly because
it was just sitting in the freezer waiting to be eaten and partly
because Marc asked me to. Anyway. The next day I had several bitefuls-ok
it was more than several-at lunchtime. My blood sugar at the one
hour mark was 187. I even wrote 'holy crap' on my tracker. I just
figured it was pie, it was sugar and white flour and I ate too much
of it. Well, it finally occurred to me about a day later that it
was apple pie and apples are fruit and I can't eat fruit at lunchtime.
Then, last night I had McDonald's of all things for dinner. (Yes,
I know I told Marc not to let me eat McDonald's any more, but we
were out of just about everything and it was way too hot to cook
last night.) Big Mac, fries, ketchup, the whole nine yards. At about
90 min. post, I was only 133. That, my friends, was something I
discovered purely by accident, but I'm certainly glad I did.
When I first found out I am pregnant and started seeing my diabetes
educator, she wanted me to eat breakfast before I walked in the
morning. Kristina had me start with half of a banana in the mornings
before my walk. Needless to say, even after a walk, my sugars were
still high. Looking back at my records, I was eating fruit (usually
pineapple) at lunchtime and getting high two hour post readings.
One day, though, I had cantaloupe around 4 p.m. and then a regular
amount of carbs for dinner an hour or so later and got just fine
BS readings. So, it was definitely accidental, but I'll take it.
I was just so consumed with eating pie that the fruit thing just
didn't occur to me. hmph.
TO JULY ENTRIES