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Michelle's Journal


June 2, 2005 - Restart prozac

I had really been thinking that it was too early to feel George moving, but yesterday I had definite, unmistakable baby movements. I think that's one of the coolest parts of being pregnant is feeling the little booger move around in there. Of course, I don't think I've felt him at all today. :(

So, for the longest time I had really been thinking that George is a boy. I'm not exactly sure why. I think part of it is because I think I'd prefer a boy. Actually, I'd prefer a healthy baby-boy or girl doesn't really matter. But there was always this voice in the back of my head saying "girl! it's a girl!"

This is so far fetched, but I pay attention to these kinds of things. Bear with me. So lately I had been thinking girl more than boy. And I sort of figured that I'd just wait until the ultrasound detects it (hopefully Tuesday!). So yesterday-when this girl feeling is getting pretty strong-I open a kid's catalog that I love to look through. It's way too expensive, but has great ideas for stuff I can make. Anyway. On the first page is some decorative art for a kid's room with the name Madelyn on it. Instantly I said to myself "this baby is a girl." Madelyn is one of the girl names I like. Never mind the fact that Marc has already officially vetoed it because it makes him think of Madeleine Albright.

I have seen this catalog ten million times and have never seen that name displayed anywhere in the catalog. So, like I said, it's a little far-fetched, but I pay attention to those kinds of things. I think of them almost as signs to myself.

I'm finally starting to feel more like I'm pregnant and less like a sick diabetic. It's strange how our bodies work. The last few days I've been thinking about how I haven't really felt like I did with my other two pregnancies: constant nausea, very little appetite, dizzy, etc. And then the last few days that's exactly how I've been feeling. Can hardly eat anything, which is actually not so good for me because my educator and I discovered that if I don't eat enough carbs I get high BS readings, feeling dizzy and faint.

It's not as bad as it sounds because at least I feel like progress is being made. I guess my body was adjusting to being pregnant and a diabetic at the same time and kind of had to work out some of the kinks before it could really work on the baby. But I feel like things are moving along-feeling yucky like I do and finally knowing that it was the baby I felt moving.

Well, I'm back on Prozac. For about the last week, I've really felt myself slipping. I can feel myself fighting back the tears at the drop of a hat. I was watching Beauty and the Beast with the kids over the weekend and started crying at a happy part! And later that night I just let loose and cried and cried and cried for no reason. I felt like a horrible mom, like a horrible wife. I had all the "symptoms" of depression (again): unmotivated, fatigued, moody, over emotional, short-tempered. All of which could be part of pregnancy, but I kept saying to myself that this was more than pregnancy hormones.

The worst part was, and probably what actually helped me realize how far gone I was, that I was the worst with the kids. I mean, they were just being kids, just being themselves, and I couldn't handle the noise, couldn't laugh at them being cute. Monday night I sat in Marcus's bed and stroked his face and just sobbed at how horrible I had been treating him. The next morning I apologized for being crabby and he said, "it's ok mommy." I cried all over again!

Just the two days of crying and finally talking it out with Marc made me feel so much better. I could feel myself getting a little short tempered with Marc and Marcus this morning, but it was easier to deal with. Fortunately, I knew what this was. I figured that it had been about three to four weeks since I had completed my weaning period for the Prozac, so the timing was about right for how miserable I felt. Marc said it had been more like the last three weeks that I had been so nasty and not just the last week.

It's interesting. He said that now that we know what I'm like when I'm not drugged, looking back he could see signs of the depression long before we had kids. That actually, in a weird way, made me feel good. It made me realize that it wasn't the kids, it was me. Of course, I've always known that, but they're really my trigger for some reason.

I'm considering getting into counseling. I'm less likely to do it though because I'd most likely have to drive 45 min. to get to a decent shrink and I'm not really willing to do that. Although, I know it would help tremendously.

June 7, 2005 - Fourth ultrasound today - look at future appointments

Had my fourth ultrasound today and although I was sort of hoping we could find out if George is a boy or a girl, no such luck. I wasn't holding my breath because I knew that we wouldn't be able to find out today, but it was nice to think that in the back of my mind. But we got to see his face and head and all kinds of other body parts. It gave me great peace of mind to hear both the tech and the peri say that the baby looks good.

Marc said it helped to make things more real for him. He was surprised when I said that it made things more real to me, too. Sure, I can feel George move and I have all the issues with my body, but seeing a picture makes such a difference.

I have two more ultrasounds scheduled: five weeks from now and 10 weeks from now, which will put me at about 24 weeks. Starting at 28 weeks, I'll start weekly or every other week ultrasounds and non-stress tests. I can't remember if the doctor said every week or every other week…he said so much today.

So things are moving along. Just like the military-hurry up and wait.

June 14, 2005 - I'm getting bigger!

I'm finally getting bigger! I can feel the tightness of my tummy when I hug Marc. Most of my clothes still fit-partly because I've lost so much weight. Had I not lost weight, I'd probably be in maternity clothes by now. I tried sleeping on my stomach last night. Big mistake. I guess I haven't done that in a while. I was pretty proud of the fact that I could still do that. But I was really half asleep when I turned on to my stomach. I'm not sure what prompted me to turn back, but I had a horrible feeling in my tummy when I turned on to my side. Won't consciously sleep on my tummy for a long while!

And I'm feeling little George move around, too. That's a nice feeling. Especially when I've been working so hard to do everything right and still didn't have much to feel pregnant about except nausea and food aversions. I'm sure I felt that my other pregnancies were taking forever, too, but this one definitely seems to be creeping along. It might partially be because I know this will be the last one. God and my angels want me to absorb every last bit of this and preserve it in my memory. Sometimes I just wish time went a little faster. And then I look at my son who's starting kindergarten in the fall and wonder where the time went.

It's been hard lately to stick with healthy eating. I've been splurging a lot lately. I guess some of the scare factor has worn off. I'm mostly good for the most part, but I do sneak in some forbidden foods every now and again. Ok, a lot. And what's interesting is that I don't feel guilty about the bad eating anymore. I used to have horrible guilt after eating a french fry or a potato chip. Now, it's nothing for me to have dinner at McDonald's. At least one good thing, though, is that I'm conscious of all this. Before baby and diabetes, it was nothing for me to eat sugar cereal for breakfast, fast food for lunch and dinner and enormous amounts of ice cream after the kids went to bed. So I guess I can't completely change overnight.

June 15, 2005 - Mommy, how did the baby get in your tummy?

Ok, yesterday I said I felt like I was getting bigger. And last night I started feeling like I ate a basketball. Normally, I can have pretty decent posture-holding my shoulders back and semi sucking my tummy in/keeping my tummy muscles flexed. Well, last night I had to just let it all hang out! I suddenly looked like I'm six months pregnant when I'm barely four months! It was crazy. Kind of cool, but crazy!

And I got kicked one really, really good time last night. It still amazes me at how surreal this feels. It's almost like I'm pregnant with my first all over again. Maybe it's because I thought this would never happen or thought it would at least be much farther away that it just seems so new almost. The first movements and the ultrasounds were almost like I had never been through this before. I can't remember if I did this with Megan or not. It's kind of neat in a way since this will be our last baby that I'm having the feelings the way I am. Sort of like deja vu all over again.

On another note: Marcus asked me this morning-in the midst of me literally walking out the door of the sitter's house-how the baby got in my tummy. Not where do babies come from, but how, specifically, did the baby get in my tummy. I thought I had been prepared for questions like that. I thought I had read enough and would know what to say when that question ever came up. However, it more or less derailed me this morning. Fortunately, I was, as I said, walking out the door, so I said we'd talk about it later. I know he won't bring it up tonight, so if I want to talk about it with him-and I think I should-then I'm going to have to bring it up. But I've been sitting here all day trying to think of the best way to approach this and I'm still basically clueless! I even tried to look up some books for kids about it thinking maybe I'd buy him one this weekend or something. It's kind of hard to tell on Amazon what a book will be like. Maybe we'll just trek up to the library this weekend. That might be a better option for now.

Yet another note: I've never really been able to sit very long cross-legged because I'm so heavy. And even when I do, I look ridiculous because my legs are so big. Well, now that I've lost 34 lb. (go me!) I've found that it's getting a little easier to sit cross-legged. Minor miracles. Except that now my belly is growing to the point where it's uncomfortable in some chairs for my leg to be that close to my belly! I'll take the belly over the crossed legs any day!

June 21, 2005 - Odd blood sugar levels = new insulin plan

First official day of summer, and man is it hot today!

We're messing with my insulin again. Ugh. Saturday night I had an unbelievable craving for ice cream. I went to Sonic and got the biggest ice cream they made chock full of Reese's peanut butter cups. So, so bad for me. And I ate every bit of it.

It was strange, though, in retrospect, that I didn't get that high feeling I usually get after eating not just bad food, but high-sugar food. I remember thinking that either I had been sitting for a long time or that the feeling just never came over me. Well, for matters regarding keeping my brain at ease, I typically don't test my blood sugar after eating such meals. Again, in retrospect, I should have. At least to use as a gauge. Sunday morning my fasting sugar was 61!

Holy s-t! I was floored! Typically, the morning after such a splurge, my fasting sugars are in the 80s at least. Well, I felt fine and ate a good breakfast and was under 120 about 90 min. post. I felt fine all day Sunday. But I still wondered about that 61.

Monday, my educator and I emailed back and forth about what's been going on with my eating and my sugars. She suggested I eat a bedtime snack since my fasting sugars had been trending downward lately. I considered mentioning the 61 to her at that point, but that also would have meant mentioning the ice cream. I had also been thinking that I was getting that sickly feeling I had several months ago when we discovered that 14 units of Lantus was too much. Lowering the dose to 12 units did the trick-I haven't felt that gross until lately.

So, last night we took my 2½-year-old daughter to get her ears pierced. Rather on a whim, but I'm rarely spontaneous so it sort of felt good. And sort of felt weird at the same time. Anyway. We fed the kids beforehand and Marc and I decided to grab some burgers on the way home. I was really in the mood for some McDonald's fries. Well, needless to say, several hours later I felt lousy. I even said to Marc: Don't let me eat McDonald's anymore. Couldn't believe those words crossed my lips!

This morning's fasting blood sugar: 66. Again, floored. So I decided to bite the bullet and say something to my educator thinking that we needed to lower my dose of insulin again. One reason I hadn't mentioned it before was because I'm nearly 16 weeks along, and from what I understand, insulin needs begin increasing around 16 weeks and typically don't drop off. So I figured my body would adjust. However, I'm still losing weight. I had maintained at about 32 lb. lost for probably close to a month. And then I got on the scale over the weekend and all of a sudden (I weigh every day) I had lost 3 lb., which, apparently, can make a difference.

Anyway. So we're not lowering my dose, as I had expected. Rather, we're switching my dose to the morning instead of the evening. I suspect that my fasting numbers will be much higher now.

I've really been letting myself slide a lot more lately than I should. And I'm not feeling so guilty when I do splurge. Either way I think is a bad deal. It was very interesting to me over the weekend when I allowed myself to eat some White Castle cheeseburgers, better known as Belly Bombers. These things are probably the best cheeseburgers in the world and they give you horrible, horrible gas! There's no White Castle restaurant around here, but they sell frozen ones at Wal-Mart. Marc had been asking me for weeks to buy them, but they're so horrible for us that I refused. I guess I just had it on my mind already that I was going to buy some and eat them. They were not the cherished treat I remembered.

The more I splurge, the more I realize how most of the foods I thought I loved so much don't taste as good as I think they do. And every time I eat these things and feel bad and realize it's not all it's cracked up to be I say to myself that I'll never do that again. And then I find myself doing it anyway. I suppose, despite my best intentions, old habits die hard and the fact that I believe I'm a food addict will always be a part of who I am.

June 22, 2005 - Keep on keepin' on

Ah, I walked this morning. And I didn't do my modified, haven't-walked-in-two-months mini route either. I was close to cutting it short, but I knew I could keep going and frankly I wanted to see how long it would take me. I thought for sure that it would be 40 min and that I would be running late. I don't think I was walking at such a fast pace. However, it was 30 min. exactly! Which was great.

However, now I feel tired and weak and kind of blah. And man, am I hungry! I just had a Nutri Grain bar for a snack and it didn't even come close to putting a dent in my hunger. I think I just want to eat, too, which is bad, bad. I had a Snickers last night with no guilt. I sort of wish I still had the guilt.

You know, it's interesting how things change once you settle into a new lifestyle. When I was first diagnosed, if it wasn't "time" for a snack, I just flat out didn't eat. I would go hungry until that designated time of day. Even did that for a while when I first got pregnant. Now, though, when I'm hungry I eat. As long as I don't go overboard, I think I'm OK.

I'm worried, so to speak, about my blood sugar. I'm still thinking that I'm getting too much insulin. I'm no expert, but I sort of have a gut feeling about it. Last night as part of my switch to a morning injection from an evening injection, I took only 6 units of Lantus. I really thought my fasting blood sugar would be very high, but it was only 80. I'll have to query my educator to see if that's normal. Furthermore, I had way too much regular salad dressing on my salad last night with way too much fat and I really would have thought that would have just shot my sugars through the roof, but at one hour post I was only 89. So I had an apple and one hour after that I was 98. I know the walking has something to do with it, but I'm just curious.

Anyway, that's my day so far. It was definitely much harder to get out of bed this morning than yesterday, but it felt good to walk. Man, was it humid, too! Yuck! I think I must have picked the absolute worst week to get back to walking. After almost two weeks of such mild temperatures that we didn't even have the air on at home, it's now going to be in the upper 80s and 90s for the next 10 days to two weeks. Oh, and don't let me forget to mention the stifling humidity that is so common in Missouri in the summer. Well, I guess if I can make it through this I can keep on keepin' on. I keep reminding myself that I started this whole walk thing in February when it was dark when I woke up and bitterly cold most mornings, but I still went out every day (at least once in the rain, too) and enjoyed my walk.

June 29, 2005-Simple pleasures

I bought a bag of ice from Sonic for $1! I absolutely love it. Now I can just eat the ice without having to buy a soda or something from Sonic. It's so great. In the mornings, I put a slice of lemon in the bottom of a tumbler and put the ice over it and take it with me to work. Some of the ice melts and I get super strong lemon water and sometimes the lemon flavor even gets into the ice chips.

I know, I know, simple pleasures, right? But it keeps me away from other munchies during the day.

Well, I have extra motivation to walk every morning. My diabetes educator switched my insulin injection from bedtime to morning. However, the first few days I did that I didn't exercise and my one-hour post breakfast readings were out of this world. So now as long as I walk right after breakfast I'm golden. It's been super hot and humid here lately (98 degrees today and heat index of 105. Yuck!) so getting up in the morning has been the best thing in terms of timing. It's still pretty darn humid, but the last couple days I've had a good breeze.

We took the kids to the pool last night and I didn't over exert myself by any means. In fact, I think I moved around less than I have on other pool outings. But when we got home I could have fallen asleep on my feet. I was absolutely exhausted. I had good blood sugar, though! Ha! I started thinking maybe I have a cold coming on. It was super hard to get up this morning, too, but I did. I took a modified walk-only 15 min. instead of my normal 30ish. I'm glad I did, but I still felt pretty lousy when I got home. Sugars were 114 after my walk instead of under 100 as usual. That's OK, though, I was still within range.

I continue to get blinding headaches. It's pretty much of a nuisance because these are not the kind of headaches that I can simply ignore. It's like a combination of sinus, tension and migraine all balled into one. It basically sucks. Tylenol alone doesn't really cut it. I finally broke down and called the doctor to ask if I could take Sudafed and thankfully I can. That seems to really do the trick. Still, I don't want to rely on it too much. However, I kind of have to if I want to function.

I feel a dinner out coming on. Ugh! I really don't want to, but I didn't make it to the store over the weekend and we've been fine most of the week, but now all of a sudden we kind of have nothing for dinner. I kept telling myself all morning that we can just have spaghetti tonight, but in reality the thought of that is pretty unappetizing. Not to mention that with the heat today, cooking in my kitchen with no exhaust fan will just heat up the house. I guess we'll see what kind of mood I'm in when I get home.

Marc said the other night, too, that he wants to go on "the Michelle diet." That made me happy. I guess he's seen what exercise and eating better can do for your weight (lost 37 lb. since mid-Feb.). So that's another reason I'm not that interested in eating out. Trying to keep us both on the straight and narrow. But I guess we'll see.

June 30, 2005-Proof positive

I have evidence now of the exact reason why I can't eat fruit before mid-afternoon. The other day I made an apple pie. Partly because it was just sitting in the freezer waiting to be eaten and partly because Marc asked me to. Anyway. The next day I had several bitefuls-ok it was more than several-at lunchtime. My blood sugar at the one hour mark was 187. I even wrote 'holy crap' on my tracker. I just figured it was pie, it was sugar and white flour and I ate too much of it. Well, it finally occurred to me about a day later that it was apple pie and apples are fruit and I can't eat fruit at lunchtime. Duh!

Then, last night I had McDonald's of all things for dinner. (Yes, I know I told Marc not to let me eat McDonald's any more, but we were out of just about everything and it was way too hot to cook last night.) Big Mac, fries, ketchup, the whole nine yards. At about 90 min. post, I was only 133. That, my friends, was something I discovered purely by accident, but I'm certainly glad I did.

When I first found out I am pregnant and started seeing my diabetes educator, she wanted me to eat breakfast before I walked in the morning. Kristina had me start with half of a banana in the mornings before my walk. Needless to say, even after a walk, my sugars were still high. Looking back at my records, I was eating fruit (usually pineapple) at lunchtime and getting high two hour post readings. One day, though, I had cantaloupe around 4 p.m. and then a regular amount of carbs for dinner an hour or so later and got just fine BS readings. So, it was definitely accidental, but I'll take it. I was just so consumed with eating pie that the fruit thing just didn't occur to me. hmph.


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